Life — April 5, 1906 — page 22: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

-M- g AKEN as a whole the oyster fam- ily isa virtuous family. None is brilliant, but many are passably enter taining and some few are quite bad. I have heard of some that were pretty had, but I don’t believe such was ever the case. Whatever they are they are never indifferent. If an oyster tires of righteousness, he or she does not loiter on the downward path, gradually be- coming and more more steeped in That is not don't. shilly-shally wickedness. They They good or become immediately rank- plunge right into crime. There is no middle ground among oysters. The oyster is either high caste or low caste: oysteresque, stay no one can mistake cither. An ‘oyster is either discriminating and esthetic, or he is the other extreme and very bad taste. | have eaten a number of oysters and have come to the con- clusion that not one of them should be allowed to go down without a refer ence. The moment the oyster steps into the vestibule, get a reference from him—make him show his Union card. This reckless welcoming and accept- ance of all oysters should be discon ar reference first, and all for a screen, or if tinued. Get yi if he won't suit that is impossible, write yoor demand I always carry little pad and pencil in my dinner coat on a piece of paper. now for just such occasions, because even in the best circles one occasion ally meets an oyster that although his appearance is good is unutterably and socially impossible, amined, would undoubtedly read, “P. Tomaine Poyson.” Especially in the suburbs is the danger the greatest. The good oysters don't like to go to the country any more than the good do- mestics. It has come to the pass now where some of our up-to-date young hostesses in the outlying towns, when giving dinner parties, arrange a series of covered booths, just as man: there are to be guests, and the o; His card, if ex are served individually in these. Each guest retires to his or her booth, where he or she finds a plate of oysters, a stethoscope and a list of questions cal- culated to draw out the moral or im- moral tendencies of the most stubborn oyster. When this course is over, the guests withdraw quietly from their booths and seat themselves in the or- at the table and the dinner The idea for this departure y own, by the way, and I many congratulations hostesses and their dinner without dinary way proceeds. was entirely received grateful what's a have from yuests—for oysters? The Black List. ‘OU can’t talk cigarettes in Indiana, Y You can't talk baking-powder in Mizoo, And if you are so selfish in a suburb Philadel- phish As to mention Gas, they'll surely murder You can't talk Frenzied Finance down in Boston, For it makes the shade of Emerson quite ill ; And in Jersey's little nation if you mention + Corporation,” You'll have some lynchers after you to kill, I's wrong to say" Divorce" in South Dakota, Recause it gets upon the people's nerves, And in Utah if y of a harem, You'll receive what your temerity deserves. pu scare ‘em with the mention To speak of rattlesnakes in Arizona Embarrasses the natives half to death, And among Chic strikes or strikers, They will say improper things beneath their breath. y's pikers if you mention If you flatter Booker Washington in Georgia, You had better take insurance on your life, And you're mighty, mighty lucky, if the sub- ject in Kentucky Leaves enough of you to ship home to your v If you whoop it up for Standard Oil in Kansas, You had better go in hiding for a week, And it's reckless, mad bravado to say * Trust in Colorade Where the natives like to shoot before they speak. There's a skeleton in almost every closet, And the bones are creaking merrily of late ; But the moral gleaned thereof 1s: if you're hunting for an office, You had better suit your speeches to your State. Waltace Irwin, comicbooks.com