Life — November 3, 1904 — page 17: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

two hundred miles.an hour onit. Good for you! I'll win the race it it takes a leg.” RULEs AND REGULATIONS. The start will be made next Thurs- day afternoon, There will be a timekeeper on the Flat Iron Building, and any machine caught going less than fifty miles an hour will be barred out. Five thousand policemen will be on hand to promptly club to death any citizen who protests against the race. Being a public thoroughfare, no vehicle can be ordered off the Avenue during the progress of the race. But, of course, if they get smashed up, 1t will be their own fault. It is a great deal more important that we should find out who owns the fastest car in America, than that a few indiscreet idiots may suffer from their own folly in getting in the way. Every car must weigh at least fifty pounds, The proceeds from the grand stands will gotoward a chauffeur hospital fund, for the benefit of the chauffeurs who may be disabled in this glorious cause Ovr Motto: “Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Pedestrians.” Life and the American Girl. Y DEAR LIFE: Ihave read with con- siderable interest the article in your issue dated September 2gth, on page 302, signed Cosmopolitan Reader, and I must say that some of the views therein set forth con- tain more than a grain of truth, While I think your correspondent is unduly severe in his criticism of the Amen- can Girl asa whole, there is one phaseof the subject which, in my opinion, is well worth serious consideration, Allow me to quote briefly: “And, LiFe, do let us have fewer poems on girls—not because these poems are not good, quite on the con- trary, but because it will, in the end, pay Americans to be less gallant and have fewer overbearing, silly women among them.” I quite agree with your ‘Cosmopolitan Reader” in this respect. There are too many “poems on girls.” Yes, and too many Pictures of girls, The magazines and papers are full of them, Why should the girls have PERCY. REGINALD, a monopoly? I believe the boys are entitled to some consideration ; and carrying out this thought, 1 beg to submit herewith a few “poems on boys,” which, I trust, will be of interest to your many readers : PERCY, (@ys when I gaze into dear Percy's eyes, My heart upleaps with chastened, glad surprise ; May Heaven send rich blessings from abov And ever grant him peace, and joy, and love, CLARENCE. Dear Clarence, with the roguish eyes, And noble brow serene, You wear the most exquisite Which I have ever seen. CLARENCE. Your raiment costly is, and neat, From Derby down to Shoes, I'd lay my fortune at your feet— Only,—you hit the booze, 429 REGINALD. Reginald, darling, come home with me now I I'm pining and longing for thee, I've had not one moment of comfort, I vow, Since the day I obtained my decree. My mansion on Broadway all desolate stands Awaiting my Regie’s return, With servants galore to obey my commands, And with milhons of dollars to burn, Then, Regie, my darling, don’t hesitate, but Come back to your senses,—and me, For I'm told society's doors will soon shut In the face of the fair divorcee. I have noticed that in every case where “poems on girls” are published, a drawing accompanies the verses, so that I have car- ried out this idea in my ‘ poems on boys.” Respectfully submitted, Albert E, Peters, Query. OCTOR, what isthe matter with me?" The man who had called together all the experts‘that he could collect to pass on his condition, raised himself up anxiously as the spokesman came in, That able practitioner smiled sadly and shook his head. ‘It is too soon yet to determine,” be replied. **Too soon !"" exclaimed the patient. ‘Too soon! Why, my dear sir, you doctors have been examining me with instruments and pounding me now for the last forty-eight hours. Aren't you in a position to name my trouble?"’ ** Not quite yet, sir,” was the reply, “Well, when can I know?” The able doctor rested his glasses reflectingly upon the bedpost. “My dear sir,” he replied, *‘ just as soon as we can get together and de- termine the matter by a two-thirds majority.”’ GEOMETRICAL VIEWS OF THE CANDIDATES. THs ONE— THE OTHER ONE, comicbooks.com