Life — October 9, 1902 — page 13: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Ballade of Advice. T Fortune do you curse? At Fatedo you complain? To friends do you rehearse Wild figments of your brain? Is all chaff and no grain The fault of sieve or siever ? Perhaps you love in vain? Take something for your liver! Is all your language terse? Is happiness your bane? Have you a grudge you nurse? Does pleasure give you pain? Do you from wine refrain, Content to burn or shiver, A melancholy Dane? Take something for your liver! Go things from bad to worse, With no turn in the lane? Do you detest this verse, And revel in Hall Caine? Is your star on the wane? Have you no comfort-giver When bitter cups you drain? Take something for your liver ! ENVOY, Laugh, if you would regain Yourhealth; don'ttry the river Lest you be found in seine. Take something for your liver! Feliz Carmen. LAS of money makes the man, and much of it the fellow. The College Professor and Nature. 'T the beginning of the summer vac tion, a high-nosed, scant-whiskered College Professor announced that he was about to set forth on a walking tour in order that he might seek and commune with Nature in her most secret haunts. Without openly stating the fact, he felt that if all reports were true, she was worthy his patronage. After journeying for several days, he came upon her, busily painting some vines upon the mountain-side, but he failed to recognize her, never having met her before in his life. “Aha!” said the College Professor, put- ting up his eye-glasses the better to examine her work, ‘Something of an artist! Oh, my dear young lady,” dropping his glasses, “I beg you to tone down those crude splashes of red, yellow and green. It has been my privilege to help and guide others throughout my life, and I trust that you will allow me to be of some assistance to you. Soften down your tints, by all means. They are an offence to the cultivated eye.” “But,” said Nature, viewing him with * LE? some disfavor, ‘I am considered rather clever with the brush, and Originality, who just passed this way, said -—” At the mention of Originality’s name, the College Professor fell to the ground in a convulsion, ‘Rash woman!" he cried upon recovering. ‘Pause ere you mention that name to me! Do you not know the College Professors’ creed? ‘ There is but one Devil, and his name is Originality.’ Why, Madam, I have myself written a little work which is especially recommended to parents and teachers, ‘ Five undred Ways of Sup- pressing Originality in a Child.’ With that and the daily use of my Culture Machine, which [ have recently patented, any one may become cultured, colorless, conceited and conservative.” “Do you then know everything?” asked Nature. “Tn confidence, I may say that I have skimmed the cream of all subjects. Have you any other accomplishments, my dear young lady, that you would like me to pass judgment upon?” “Lam considered something of a musi- cian,” replied Nature, and for half a day she sang him her most wonderful songs. At last, the College Professor begged her to desist. ‘ You havealready given me nervous prostration,” he said, ‘* with your primeval, archaic, inartistic music. Now, my dear Miss or Madam, take my advice. Go to college for a year ortwo. You have talent, and with the proper environment and train- ing, we may hope great things of you. I wish I knew of your heredity.” “But I am something of a teacher my- self,” said Nature. The College Professor laughed satirically, he really could not help it.‘ And where is your school?” he asked with indulgent amusement. “My school is the world, for I am Nature.” The College Professor fainted. When he revived, he found himself alone. Nature had disappeared. is first impulse was to return at once to his college and denounce this Delilah who had hypnotized the great and wise of all ages; but just as he had ar- rived at this decision, he realized that it would be a distinctly original thing to do, 80, of course, that was out of the question. After the first disillusionment and disap- pointment, he experienced a certain pride in the fact that he alone, of all the world, was impervious to her spell. It denoted a lofty superiority. Therefore, when he returned to his col- lege, he always took occasion slightly to disparage Nature. ‘We have—ah—” he was wont to say to a few intimate friends, “reached a plane of refinement where we SEVERING HIS CONNECTION WITH THE CHURCH. demand a rarefied, intellectual atmosphere, and, between ourselves, I regard Nature as essentially vulgar.” “Quite so,” said the friends, sipping a little diluted liquid air with their compressed food. Mrs, Wilson Woodrow, Lee has no law except that of supply and demand. Counter-irritant. “(X.O0D HEAVENS, old man, what have you got in your carriage? "’ “ Nothing, old fellow, but my usual box of limburger. It helps me to bear with the automobiles I meet.” comicbooks.com