Life — October 9, 1902 — page 14: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

SUNSHINE DOWN ON THE FARM, Hiram John Business Oatcake (farmer): TWO YEAR OLD, PULL JERSEY, REGISTERED, FIFTY DOLLANS Cas. Cholly Gotawad (agriculturist); 4 wexraw? YOU CAWN'T POOL ME! SUR'S $0 BLAWSTED OLD SHE'S Lost MER UPTAW INCIBAWS ! Chesterfield Sandbag to His Son. \f Y DEAR BOY: Vulgar dis- play is an injury to a finan- cier in his early stages; it suggests a lack of familiarity with prosperity which excites the scorn of those who have arrived, and the envy of those still breaking and enter- ing. Avoid diamonds, cocktails, language in the raw, and loud clothing; these luxuries belong only to the aristocrat of assured position, to the parvenu who has lost his newness and who has acquired a stable, a villa, a titled son-in-law, and a scandal—at Newport. Timeand thrift will confer these social privileges on you. Practice politeness; it is a polish that gives a mahogany value to Michigan pine. The soft word catches the soft thing. Better a gold brick with hot air, than watered stock with a brass band. Remember, however, that manners change with climate and language with latitude. The rugged simplicity and unvarnished rhetoric of the wheat- pit may make an idol of my financial friend, John W. Gates in Chicago, and yet be misunderstood in London. That great man, Jupiter Pluvius Morgan, who hobnobs with kings and floods coal mines, is a good model for you; and yet he is only John W. trimmed, sandpapered, oiled and polished. Avoid theories and illusions about genitis and financial wisdom, grasp the fandamentals and trim them to suit yourself. The qualities that make success in banking and burglary are the same. Success is attained and catastrophe avoided by knowing how to utilize men and circumstances. Why hit an inoffensive policeman witha sandbag, when acrisp bill willsecure hisco-operation? How maladroit to blow a bank safe at midnight, when a piece of paper properly doctored may secure its contents at midday. Oil and water may not mix in chemistry, but they will in finance. Nothing makes a well-watered property slip into the pocket of the investor as easily as well-oiled lan- guage, delivered in a soft, smooth, low voice. A voice gentle and low is an excellent thing in woman; it is a gold mine in finance, Courtesy, sense and smoothness are qualities to cultivate ; bnt the greatest of these is smoothness. Out of Place. AN extremely important Senator, going to confer with the President and four other Senators hardly less ex- tremely important, as to matters of party policy, is induced to say that the coal strike will not be likely to come up for discussion. “I can’t see why it should come up,”’ he adds. And candidly, can anybody? None but a foolhardy doc- trinaire, or a mere tyro in politics crudely imagining that legislation is in some way directed to the redress of real wrongs, would deliberately drag the coal strike into such a conference. Joseph Smith, comicbooks.com