Life — September 6, 1900 — page 13: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE COAL THAT DISAPPEARED, in Ha LIFE: 193 are in doubt about what to do, take the advice of Seneca and do nothing. Teddy is as high now as he will ever get. To promote him further would be to invite him to swing his chapararros astride the neck of Freedom and ride a hell-to-split race through our fondest hopes of the Ideal Republic. If Teddy had the power, he'd rope mankind as mavericks and brand us all with a red-hot iron of his own device ; and with the butt end of a quirt he’d persuade you into his own way of thinking. Teddy is the true type of American Boxer. The Boxer is simply one who cannot mind his own business, but who believes in a life of poisonous activity. He thinks his Glorious Sanctified Fists should be used in killing every- thing and everybody he does not like. Teddy has an itching wish to empty his six-shooter in the direction of the feet of the Goddess of Liberty and make her dance the can-can. No sport for him equals a man-hunt, Not that Teddy is bad, oh, no—he is his party’s darling ootsy-tootsy, who has so much life and energy, you know ! And then, boys will be boys, anyway. Lawks-a-daisy ! Fra Elvertus. Unnecessary. RS. SLIMSON: Here, Willie, while I am away I am going to give you the key to the pantry just to show you I can trust you. WILLIE (proudly): I don’t need it, mama, I can pick that lock any day. The Apotheosis of the Whisker. E learn from The Schoolmaster that hereafter life in St. Lonis will be rendered a burden to those unfor- tunate males who are whiskerless. The women of St. Louis have gotten together, and during their recent festival passed the following resolutions: Wireneas, The distinguishing trait by which man is recognized in contradistinction from woman depends upon the fact that hair grows upon his face, Therefore be it Resolved, That We, the Women of St. Louis, solemnly declare that the male portion of our municipality shall be ordered to assume hair, and that their countenances be disguised as quickly and com- pletely as possible, 80 that the ancient honor of St. Louis may be maintained. Further we declare that the absence of hair on the face of man shall constitute grounds for absolute divorce. And to more explicitly enforce the foregoing resolutions a boycott is pronounced comprehending the following prohibitions : No man shall engage in service, employ or be employed by, any- one not pretending whiskers ; nor shall any tradesman sell, or any person buy, or mutually engage in the reciprocity of ordinary trade with any male person whose face shall be false to the herein before pronounced declaration. Nor shall any woman marry, engage to marry, or be married by, any man the foliage of whose face is not marked by an emphatic provision of hair. Nor shall such lady shop at the shop of any such man, or in any way encourage or maintain upon this earth any male person not distinguished by a beard. books.com