Life — August 30, 1900 — page 5: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

-LIFE- 165 Life’s Ticket. For PRESIDENT, W. W. ASTOR. For VICE-PRESIDENT, L. H. CHANG. A FEER considerable difficulty in getting our candidates together, the wires between London and China having deen sat on by Emperor William, we are at length able to make a declaration of principles. PLATFORM: First,and most important, we hereby announce definitely, that immediately upon the election of our candidates, England and America will be united as never before. The Prince of Wales will move to the Waldorf-Astoria, and Mark Hanna and William McKinley will be sent on by freight to Siberia, and from thence to Manchuria. Theo- dore Roosevelt will be forwarded in chains to Albany. The capitol will be moved to London, and Congress will meet at Pekin. We are red-hot for Imperialism, and want to be on the spots. Second. Al! people who have accumulated enough gold to make it worth while will at once deposit it in the Imperial vaults, where it will be melted up and made into cooking utensils for the heathen Chinee. Third. All Scotch dialect authors will be promptly lynched. Fourth. The Philippine war will be pushed ; a new regi- ment made up of members of the last Congress, editorial writers on some of the New York papers, and the principal inmates of the New York State legislature, will be sent at once to suppress the rebellion. We are determined to stop this war, if we have to send the entire staff of the Ladies’ Home Journal and the Bookman, Fifth. We believe most firmly that abodes should be furnished for aged and decrepit reporters of the New York World and Journal, who have fought so nobly to uphold the worst traditions of their country, and to this end we shall have suitable asylums provided to entertain them. These are only a few of our principles. If our candidates are elected to the high office that they want so badly, nothing will be omitted to place our noble land in the front rank. If we have omitted to mention any class, be not offended. We'll promise anything, trusting to manifest destiny to make you forget it. The world is ours. Ruin in Its Wake. IGHEAD: War is a terrible curse, isn’t it? Critic: I should say so. I have noticed that every ‘war adds a new dialect to our magazine literature. A Sure Thing. HE: eee t on you on the piazza last night? SHE: “Then I Sear who in the world it was I kissed?” “You can probably tell by going there to-night at the same time.”’ The Missionaries and China. T° what extent the missionaries have been responsible for the outbreak in China has been already a subject for much argument. The Chinese Government does not hesitate to lay the whole trouble at the missionaries’ door, but then the Chinese Government is not a model of veracity. Neither is any government that Lire knows anything about, for that matter. Perhaps not directly, but indirectly, the missionaries have been to blame for the disturbance. If they hadn’t been there, no trouble would have occurred. China is a good deal like the old man in the story book, who simply wanted to be let alone. The missionaries, with their positive notions, must have been peculiarly offensive to a people whose traditions and life are so widely opposed to Christianity. Even to those of us who resent anything in_bad taste, our own Salvation Army is exceedingly disagreeable at times, and we would willingly tell it to go elsewhere and make a noise, though we must know that in reality the Salvation Army is but inculcating the religion that Christ taught. Altitude. ‘ ‘AO high was it where you spent your vacation?” “About two thousand dollars above the level of the sea.”” [Re COOK (to milkman): What makes you come so early of late? You used to be behind before. lice : SODA {lish \ifeive cents] | Lil Hi it li il A RARE TREAT, comicbooks.com