Life — September 15, 1898 — page 15: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

“ SEE HERE! NONE OF YOUR POCAHONTAS BUSINESS ON THIS ONE all faithful Algerians who own swamp lands to send in plans and specifications of their microbes, mosquitoes and mias- mas; to an Algerian bureau, such sites are more valuable than Broadway build- ing lots. When camps are selected, pass the word to Algerians to corner the quinine market; the government will need it later for storage purposes. Buy up all steamboats of the vin- tage of 1853, which have accommoda- tions for cattle and reliable reputations for obscure: infection. If to antique beauty can be added a bovine bouquet, the ship is priceless, All honest Alger- ians will sternly demand, however, a guarantee that the boats will float in salt water thirty days without air-bags, and that they will move when towed. Purchase all the foods, medicines and supplies in the country; this will belp our friends, See that the army never gets them; this interests the undertakers and tests the endurance of troops. On sea and land avoid overloading the stomachs of soldiers; indigestion nearly ruined Wasbington’s army at Valley Forge. In hot weather keep the troops con- stantly moving; this familiarizes them with the various camps and helps out the railroads, Soldiers enjoy railroad excursions on the Gulf Coast in July and August; they broaden the mind and open the pores. ‘ “ANPIE® When the army is suf- ficiently debilitated, rush y* on the hated foe. Let no one Jearn our plans of campaign except Ameri- can citizens; guard them jealously from foreign - foes, and publish them only in American papers, Punctuality is the ruin of campaigns. Napoleon was defeated at Waterloo by getting there on time. Had he been a week late he would have escaped. Always have the troops on transportssix days before sailing. By the end of that period the troops can defy seasickness. Buy millions of medi cines and hide them care- fully in the holds of ships, but use Christian Science to soothe the sick. By following these simple rules the Algerians at the close of the war may say with pride, ‘Spain killed one man; we killed twenty.” A Tale of Solomon. I" ‘80 happened that one day there was a most awful scratch on Solomon's best new draw- {ng-room paper. end for my wives,” cried the wily Solomon, seating himself in an easy throne and turn- log bts back guilelessly on the scratch. “Tell them I'm going to get them all new Easter bon- nets and a silk dress of two,"* Hardly were the words ont of his mouth when tn rushed the Queens, od morning, ladies,” ob- served Solomon, aifably. * Pray be seated.” Down sat the Queens and be- gan gazing around tn that care- less, Indifferent sort of way so pecuilar to ladies who expect to get something with out asking for tt. Sure enough, hardly had they got well seated, when: “Why, my good. ness gracious, sakes alive 1" burst forth Queen No. 237, with the most inno. cent and natural surprise tn the world, her new. born-tabe like eyes falling, quite acct- dentally, of course, upon the terrthie 215 scratch. “ Who ever could bave been and made stich a horrid tear!” ‘Then, + Ott with her head ! Of with her head!" roared the vengeful old King, dancing down from bis throne like a personified thunder storm, “and tell the court histortan to tuform postertty that there's no moral. Ladies, the court will be ta mourning for the next year or two for my new drawing-room paper. Skip 1” First monal: The historian, of course, did what he wasn’t told. Second moral: If the parrot that talked too much had read this little fable first be might possibly have iad more tall, Third moral: If Queen No. 237,538 had paid more attention to the story of the parrot that talked too much, and less to «pring bonnets, she might possitly have had more head. PUT THE TRUNK ON TH sxaT?” “1 DIDN'T WANT TER MAKE IT TOO HEAVY FoR Tire HORSE.” comichooks.coyy)