Life — September 15, 1898 — page 14: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

“A CHICKEN PATTI.” The Alger—ian Art of War. HE Art of War has changed since Sherman said ‘War is bell.” Hell is now on the retired list, and the Algerian system, a sacred inheritance from honest pirates and cutthroats, has shown that war is merely a matter of famine and fever, and itis having an enor. mous success today. The Weyler system starved its foes and fattened its friends; the Algerian method starves its soldiers and fat- tens its foes; the two are the same in principle, but different in application. The Algerian Art of War gives everybody a chance for cash or the glory of a grave. It keeps its henchmen, gives contractors an casy thing, aids medical science, increases the pen- sion roll with those it fails to kill, and démon- strates the usclessness of West Point, If it had not been for the folly and meddling of Dewey and Sampson, the Algerian system would have shown conclusively the worthless- ness of brains and ability, the humbug of, training and education. The Algerian Art of War is bascd on the following rock-ribbed principles : ‘The prime necessity of war is Fat; fat under the belts of Generals, fat under the hats of the Staff; but below these ranks the cast-iron rule is anti fat. Ap army should consist of men unspoiled by West Point methods, men who belicve that hun- ger and disease are what soldiers fatten on, ard LIFE who know that the kingdom of Heaven is located in Michigan and Algeria. Regulars and trained militia should never be used; they want things to eat. ‘To officer this ideal army, the jails, jaggeries and asylums should be searched for the lame, halt and detri- mental relatives of Senators, Congress. men and Algerian statesmen, Those who have triumphantly passed exami- nations for the idiot asylums will make ideal commissaries und quartermasters; the graduates of the jails and jaggeries may be commissioned paymasters and adjutant-generals without loss of self- respect. Soldiers garrisoned near the equator should be garbed in rubber-lined-fur- trimmed uniforms; those camping along the Yukon may be uniformed in attractive shirt waists and red tape. Tn selecting camps for troops, invite MESSRS. GRAVES AND TOMNS RENTED THE ROOM ABOVE. comichooks.