Life — November 11, 1897 — page 13: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

“Experimental” Science ; or, THE VIVISECTIONIST’S VIVID VISION. Dramatis Persona. Proressor Torturem, M.D., A. M., D.Sc., LL. D., Demonstrator of Anatomy and Physiology at Curare College, Blank City. Docror NevverFtintcn, Junior Ditto. “Duke,” a Saint Bernard Dog, demon- strated on. CHC13, a Bottle of Chloroform. Medical Students, Demonstrators'Assist- ants, and Other Dogs. Scene: Curare College Anatomtcal Labor- atory. On the floor ts an operating table with buckled straps hanging on the edges. On the walls are pictures of Mantegazza, Chauveau, Magendie, Brown-Sequard, and other notable *experimentalists." There arealsoa few mottoes: ** Animals Have No Rights That A Medical Man Js Bound To Respect," “An Anti-Vivisectionist Is A Vegetarian Im Disguise,” “Live and Let Live—But Without Anasthetics,” ete. One or tvo youths are putting things in order, arranging saws, pincers, electric forceps, scalpels and trephining instruments, so that they may be handily seized. As the scene opens, so does the door, and enter with considerable noise about a hun- dred young men armed with notebooks and vari-colored crayons, They take their seats, and sing in unison the following OPENING CHORUS. On, medical students are we, ‘A- learning of balsams and balms; Physicians in time we shall be, A-cutting of legs and of arms. Our manners are open and free; A-singing we're aever of psalms, And seldom, when torture we see, A-feeling of sickness or qualms. So far from a-feeling of qualms, The sight our neurotics becalms! The learning we get from a book Gives all a fair chance to display, But ‘tisn’t to that that we look To make all our diligence pay. Live subjects, by hook or by crook, We study, before they decay— > LIFE: Diplomas we then will have “took,” And got ‘em the easiest way. Indeed, it's the easiest way, No matter what others may say! So, hail Experimental Science! Hail each saw and steel appliance! Proudly bid we a defiance To all mealy-mouthed defectionists! Hail to scientific glory! Hail unto this splashed and gory Anatomic laboratory ! And Death to Anti-Vivisectionists !!! The students here begin to indulge in horse- play with one another, more or less refined, while one of them, who acts as one of the assistants to the demonstrators, walks about and chants a recitative. RECITATIVE. Wuo says that Vivisection’s cruel and un- necessary? Tush! Such cries they ever in our ears are drumming; We know it's necessary as An Aidto Memory —but hush, Professor Torturem, I think, is coming! The door opens, and Professor Torturem and Doctor Nevuerflintch enter, The latter tsa tall, gaunt gentleman, who immediately takes a seat against the wall, Professor Torturem is a small and slight but wiry man, with a brisk air, He bows to the stu- dents, who welcome him with applause, and walks quickly round the dissecting table, examining carefully the furnishings and garnishings thereof. He cries to an assist. ant: “Bring him forth!" and the assistant teaves the hall and soon returns with “Duke,” a splendid specimen of the St. Bernard breed, The dog has been bought by the Professor for his purposes, and the ant- mal, recognizing him, jumps around and exhibits every sign of joy. Professor Tor- turem pats him on the head with an ironical smile,and suddenly seizing his hind legs, lifts himtothetable. There his limbsare strapped, and as he lays on his back, incapable only of spasmodic motion, the learned gentleman begins hts Practical Demonstration, singing meanwnile the followin PATTER SONG. Like inanimate log, on the table the og Lies all ready for me to experiment on, And I wish to observe you must all keep your nerve, For some sickening sights you will witness anon. (Taking up a scalpel.) First, I dig the knife in, cutting just through the skin, Through the tissue connective, and mem- brane, you know, And of these I take hold, lay them back in a fold, Then the peritoneum I sever, too—so. In the meantime, you'll note the odd sound from the throat Of the doggie, who doesn’t enjoy thisa bit, For he isn't aware, as he lies panting there, How to science he renders a great benefit. (All laugh loudly.) But we won't mind his pants, for they’ll give us achance 397 To observe later on many excellent points, Such as swelling of tongue, and condition of lung— I shall then disarticulate some of his joints. You have heard of some folks (they're so full of their jokes!) Who are always inveighing 'gainst studies like these, And in unmeasured terms they describe us as worms, Or as devils or fiends—let them say what they please. For we know, gentlemen, it’s a hundred to ten That ‘tis practical study that gives you the start. To return to our mutton—or dog—I shall cut All obstruction aside till I get to the heart. Now if doggie should storm, I must use chloroform— Here it is, (He takes up the bottle of chloroform.) though I'd rather mo? use it, of course, For the animal's pain is distinctly a gain Ina medical sense, and should not cause remorse. Well, I'll seize on a vein, and I'll slash it in twain, And I'll show you the beauties of really fresh blood. But the vein I must nip, for if once it should slip, Out will come the fresh fluid in one foam- ing flood! Now— As Professor Torturem bends down to do what he has been describing, he stubs his toe against the leg of the table and knocks the cork out of the chloroform bottle. The con- tents are dashed in his face bya convulsive movement of his arm. A fearful crash sounds tn hts ears, and all ts sudden darkness. As the darkness disperses, he hears the barkings and growls of what seems to be innumerable dogs, and by degrees he becomes sensible of a most peculiar and painful feeling of a tight- ening nature, Opening his eyes, he fastens them on the rows of benches, and, much to his surprise, he sees that they are not filled with medical students, but are occupied by a tre- mendous number of dogs, of all kinds, inces- santly bow-wowing. The medical students and Doctor Nevverflintch have disappeared, He himself is strapped down tight on the op- erating table in identically the same position ashe had helped to place * Duke.” and that animal i's now standing by him and gazing at him with a professional air, a scalpel in one hand anda bunch of medicated cotton inthe other, Professor Torturem commences to experience great agony, and ts soon consctous of the unpleasant fact that his chest has been opened up, and that a portion of his interior adjacent the cardiac region ts being ruth- lessly trifled with. The agony becomes more and more exquisite, but he hears the barking of the dogs nevertheless with greater distinct- ness, the notse gradually falling on his tym- panum thus: CHORUS OF DOGS. Bow-wow-wow—dig and twist the knife in him! Bow-wow-wow-till there is no life in him comicbooks.com