Life — November 11, 1897 — page 14: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

398 Yes, Professor, we have caught yer, And we'll teach yer now what's torture ! Bow-wow-wow-wow-wow !! Bow-wow-wow—pull his marrow bone! Bow-wow-wow—see if it's a narrow bone ! Though it’s quite unnecessary, Of his pain we'll not be chary— Bow-wow-wow-wow-wow ! I! Prov. Tort. (faintly): Oh, what is this? Ob, what is this? What horrors I’m enduring ! Such films arise before my eyes My sense of sight obscuring! A demonstration on a dog It seems I was performing, But something now has hap— “Due” (dlandly) : Bow-wow ! We hope you find this warming ? us out The dog continues to address the Professor in doggerel, jabbing at intervals with the instruments that had been placed on the table, THE DOG'S DOGGEREL, ‘The show that now is going on (/2é) has many an imperfection, (ad) But some (jad) advantages withal (j2d) which must not meet rejection; ( 26) If it is in your power (724) to summon up (jad) your recollection, (a8) It may occur to you (jad) that this (jad) is naught (jad) but Vivisection ! (728) And how ( ja, jad) do you like it? (ad, jab, jad.) Professor Torturem is incapable of reply- ing, and closes hts eyes. His sufferings have been getting more and more acute, and he feels as if his individuality were being com- pressed into a sort of primordial protoplasm of Pain, tf there is such a thing, While musing upon this psychological phenomenon, he begins to realize that the barking of the dogs has gradually ceased, and has merged > LIFE: intoa sound resembling the hurried scraping of human feet ona tiled floor. He reopens his eyes, to find himself sprawling back on a@ chair, with his coat, vest and shirt unbut- toned, and his colleague, Doctor Nevverflintch, bending over him, The state of the case ts thus ex- plained to him: Pror Nevy.: You fell upon the chloroform, and put yourself tosleep, » And almost instantaneously com- menced to yell and weep; Your actions were so odd throughout, 1 wondered what you dreamed about, And once or twice you swore! The students give three cheers for the resuscitated Professor, who waves his hand angrily, and replies tna stern voice, Pror, Tort.: Oh, gentlemen, the dream I had I really cannot tell, But there is one thing that I know, and it I know full well; I've come to this conclusion, vit This demonstration useless is— I vivisect no more! He draws a revolver from his pocket and shoots “Duke,” thus putting the suffering animal immediately out of its pain, Great excitement and agitation, The students jeer at the Professor, shouting: “He must be crazy!" and commence to throw their notebooks and pencils at him, He turns to his colleague, and motions to him to quiet CORNERED. “ONE O° YOU'M T'REE Fi BRUDDER, LERS SAID YOU WUZ A GOIN’ TO LICK ME WHICH ONE wuz IT?" the young men, Doctor Nevverflintch turns away with a contemptuous smile, whereupon Professor Torturem arranges his clothing with as much dignity as possible and leaves the laboratory, just in time to avoid a mis- stile consisting of a portion of the defunct “Duke.” The scene here closes in without any moral, while the students shout their chorus: “Oh, medical students are we!” etc. THE END. David H, Dodge. Trying. RS. GRADY: It's an aisy loife yez are livin’ now, Mrs. O'Style, in yer foine new house on de avenoo. "Twas a lucky thing fer yez thot yer Mike wint to Klondike. Mrs. O'STYLE (haughtily): Yis, Mrs. Grady, it’s a foine loife, but so tryin'on me narves; me Mary Ann is alwuz a playin’ on de payaner, an’ me Katie is larnin’ to sing, an’ me ole mon is forever yellin’ wid de jimjams, an’ Bridget makes sech a noise in de kitchen wid de silver, an'—oh, dear, Mrs. Grady, thank hiven thot yez are not wan of de aristocracy !