Life — January 14, 1897 — page 16: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Maxixo Tuxos CLEAR.—An old Peebles worthy and n English lady were one day recently occupants of a ailway carriage in an Edinburgh-bound train, The rain had been waiting long at a certain station, and here was no appearance of its starting, when the worthy remarked: ‘They're a gey taiglesome lot ere.”" “1 beg your pardon,” said the lady. “I'm sayin’ they're an awfu’ daidlin’ squad here,” aid the old fellow. “T really beg your pardon, sir," she rejoined. “Lm remarkin’ they're a vera dreich lot here the icht," the old gentleman further ventured. “Really, I must again beg your pardon,” said the ady, with marked embarrassment, “but I do not com- rehend you.” * Lwas just tryin’ to say the train was late,” he finally lurted. Indeed, sir, it is very late,” agreed the lad And the conversation collapsed.—Dundee News. S. R. Crockert, the ‘“Kailyard" novelist, was raited upon, after one of the two or three public lec- ares he has ever delivered, by a heavy, solemn-faced cot, who shook him by the hand in a melancholy man- er. ‘I hae read a’ your buiks," he said, and, 3 ause, he added, “up to this." Mr, Crockett expressed is thanks. The man wassilent awhile, You dinna do this for a livel trring to the recent lectu replied Mr. Crock- Mit, meekly, ‘I was thinking that,” said Mr. Crockett’s titic, with still deeper solemnity.—Argonaut. A stiort man with the remains of a “ jag" wandered into the Midland and asked for a typewriter’s studio. He lives in Kansas, and had been winning bets on the football games. He wanted to stay another week, but his wife expected him home, so he was in search of a typewriter to send home a letter to serve as an apology for his non-appearance. ‘Kansas City, this date, ninety-six,” he muttered to the typewritist. ‘I ha that." My dear wife.” “Yes.” “Very important business will require my presence in Osawatomie for a few days: * Let's see,” interrupted the artist ; how do you spell that Osawatomie 2" ‘Spell it Iv’s your typewriter.” “LT can't.” “C. watomie ?" askes in disgust. vo. go to Fort Scott."—Kansas City Journal. Say, officer,” said a rural-looking stranger address- ing a metropolitan policeman, “will you kindly direct me to the Custom House ?"” ‘‘Kimberton,” replied the officer with an abstracted air, ‘is a small village on the Pickering Valley Rail- road, near Phoenixville, Pennsylvania.” “The Custom House is in Wall street, I believe,” continued the astonished questioner. “The Nodaway River rises in Iowa, and, flowing south across the northwest corner of Missouri, empties Missouri River. for goodness sak , what are you getting at? Show me a car line that goes to Wall street.” “The Alien and Sedition laws were passed during John Adams's Administration. The purpose of these laws was—" “Hold on, hold on!" shouted the terrified victim beating his head to make sure he wasn’t dreaming, “Where is Bloomingdale Asylum? You can’t have been out long. Don't you know anything about the city?” “That's it, stranger,” admitted the cop, confidentially ing his voice.‘ The fact is, L arrived from Cedar Rapids only last week, and was appointed on the force day before yesterday. The examination was pretty stiff, but I passed."— Texas Siftings. lowe A WASHINGTON man, who suspected a colored man in his employ of tampering with his private stock of whiskey, allowed the demijohn to become empty, and instead of fillin in, put the liquor in bottles in a cupboard and labeled them Poison." One night, as he came home from the theatre, he caught the colored servant in the act. Seizing bottle in mock terror the employer exclaimed: ‘Great heavens! Do you know what you are doing? Don’t you see that what that bottle contains is marked poison ?" The colored man held it off and looked at it. Then he smelled it, and, with a look of melancholy, replied: ‘* ’Tain’t poison, suh, I's done been fooled ag'in."” “ How dared! you tamper with it, whether you knew it was poison or not?” ‘Boss, it was dis-a-way. F'um de way yoh acted ‘bout dat demijohn in de cellar I done thought youh had yoh s‘picions ob me, an’ it made me melan- choly, foh sho’, I's been tryin’ foh mos’ two weeks now ter commit suicide out'n dat bottle 1” Argonaut. For salo oy all Newsdealers tn Great Britain. The Inter. 1 , Bream’s Building, r8 Com) national London, E. C., England,’ Aoxsts. Chancery Lane, KUROPeaN AGENT#—Mosara, Bren! Paris; Saarbach’s News Ex« Germany, Agents for Germany, 37 Avenue de POpera, and Bwiteeriand.” The price of good things oft is high, But wise housekeepers tell That Ivory Soap is cheap to buy And best to use, as well. Copyright 999, 97 The Procter & Gesabir Ce. Ca"a LITTLE CIGARS, ALL IMPORTED. TOBACCO. HIGHEST IN PRICE, FINEST IN QUALITY. 2$c. a Bundle, to in Bundle. Trial Package in Pouch by mail for 25. H. ELLIS & CO., Baltimore, Md. Tne Asmnican Tosacco Co., Successor. A little of Abbott's—the original Ancostara Bitters—may save you a doctor's bill. Gives snap to table water. At Druggists and dealers. DALY'S THEATRE. 81, $1.9, . The Geisha. Tomorrow, Thurs and sy Adda Hetuan as DEATH 0 TED— ZA, Who can think of |WANTED—AN IDEA. icamplething to patent? Protect your ideas: they may bring your |wentth. Write JOHN WEDDERBURN & C0... at Attorneyn, Depts. it, Washington, D.C, for their Sis prise HAMILTON HOTEL HAMILTON, BERMUDA. | Open December until May. MEAD & BROOKS, Managers. | fommy,” said the teacher, ‘what is meant by nutritious food?” | “Something to eat that ain't got no taste ho it,” replied Tommy.—Household Words. HUNTER BALTIMORE a— RYE, PURE & MELLOW, The American Gentleman's Drink. For Club, Family and Medicinal Use. THE BEST “Drink HUNTER RYE. It Is pure. years )WHISKEY OLD, IN AMERICA Endorsed by leading Physicians when stimulant is prescribed. SOLD AT ALL FIRST-CLASS CAFES AND BY JOBBERS. WM. LANAHAN & SON, BALTIMORE, MD. Driving for Pleasure; or, The Harness Stable and Its Appointments. By Francis T. Uxpernit. reader of Lire, should avail himself of Mr, Underhill's compre- hensive and exhaustive treatment. of the proper appointments of driving and stable accessories. Published by D. APPLETON & CO, Evel Last season a gentleman in the stalls at Covent Garden gravely informed a lady— “The De Reszkes are a remarkably clever family. There is Jean de Reszke, and Edouard de Reszke, and Paderewski.” —Tit Bits, PARK & TILFORD, Agents. HE NEW YORK CENTRAL’S GRAND CENTRAL STATION, The very Centre of the City of New York.