Life — December 19, 1895 — page 5: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

CASAR AND THE CONSULSHIP. ON the seven hills of the Eternal City the political pot was sizzling. Omnis Gallia was divided into three parts, and above each tow- ered the lightning rods of the patriotic statesmen who were willing to serve their country as consul, The star-eyed goddess of financial re- form hovered above the Forum, and Rome howled. So did Julius Cesar Harrisonius when Antony informed him the morning papers de- clared he had withdrawn from the consulship race in favor of either Pompey McKinlius or Brutus Reedimus, and that he was to be prac- tically shelved as governor of Cisalpine Gaul. “Out of the race, ch 2” he growled, affixing his chaplet more securely with a gold hairpin. ‘ Did you ever hear of such Cisalpine Gaul as that, Antony? By the nap on my grandfather's hat, this is the work of Cassius Tomplattus, Casca Quayimus and Cimber Clarksonus— all peanut politicians, state bosses who envy Carsar his greatness and would gladly give him the dinky dinkimus, as the Greeks would chastely express it, if they only could. They mean mischief, and of a truth I fear there's something in the wind, When I was East having East- manus Johnsonius paint my picture a Coney Islandus soothsayer bade me beware the Ides of June. 1 like not in particular the look of yonder lean and hungry Cassius Tomplattus. When I was consul before, he wanted some offices for his friends, but | had none left. If aman THE DREAM OF THE CAPTIVE LION. doesn't first look out for his own relatives, who wiil? Since then his toga's pistol pocket hath a most suspicious bulge, and if he can he will turn that Eastmanus Johnsonius portrait to the wall next June. Would he were fatter !—but I fear him not, for always I am Czsar Harrisonius. “And now good Antony telephone to all the newspapers to send up reporters—here’s a golden talent for Roman punch—and nail this campaign lie that I have withdrawn from the consulship race. Tell them that I have not withdrawn in favor of Brutus Reedimus, Pompey McKinlius or any other man, for the reason that | am in no sense a candidate for the office ; that I do not desire it and shall not seek it, and that if my counsel were sought as to a suitable candidate for the party I would name neither Brutus Reedimus nor Pompey McKinlius. What have these men done for the party and for Rome? Brutus Reedimus was speaker of the Roman senate for a time and ran things with such a high hand that the very next election the party got a landslide—in the neck !_ Pompey McKinlius never did any- thing but tinker the tariff ——" “But sire,” ventured Antony, ‘twill not be meet to ridicule them over much, These scribes know well that Brutus Reedimus and Pompey McKinlius have grand futures before them. “True, true Antony, As you say, they may have grand futures before them, but what the party needs in this campaign is a man with a grandfather behind him !" Earle H. Eaton. A PUBLIC SERVICE. I is said Mr. Pullman pays his daughter ten thousand dollars a year for naming the company’s cars.— Exchange. LIFE considers this a wanton waste of a corporation's wealth. We will perform this service for much less money, and beg leave to submit a few samples of the names we would suggest for Mr. Pullman's sleeping and buffet cars : Rockipillo. Cheekinigga. Bedbuggia. Coldgrubbia. Thumbsoupia, Snoriana. Overchargia. Coldfeetia. Hotasheolia. Draughtiana. Badeggia. Insomnia. Cinderana. Odorifera. Bigtippia. Stuffiana, comicbooks.com