Life — November 6, 1890 — page 5: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

> GERE: MYTHOLOGY FOR MODERNS. THE LABORS OF HERCULES. ERCULES was the John . Sullivan of his epoch. Atthe early age of three, when suffering from his first attack of detirium tremens, he strangled the snakesasYast asthey appeared to him in his cradle. Later on he was ap- prenticed to a king who was called Eu- rystheus for short. The understanding was that Hercules was to lea how to bea king, but after he had been in Eurys- theus's service a little while he received a flattering offer to appear as the tank in a tank drama. Hercules was stage-struck, and was not particularly well pleased with his prospects in the king business. Kings rarely die, and none resign, so he made a bargain with Eurystheus that he should be freed from his apprenticeship after he had accomplished seven tasks which Eurystheus was to set for him, Eurystheus had formerly been a bunco-steerer,tand thought he would outwit Hercules and get more work out of him than the latter expected. ‘The first task was to eat a hundred turkeys in a hundred minutes. This Hercules accomplished easily, and when he had completed the score passed up his plate again and asked if they would give hima little more of the dark meat. The next labor was to read the complete works of Mr. W. D. Howells. This Hercules finally accomplished, but at its completion his friends feared he was going into a decline. He rallied, however, and undertook the third. This was to attend seven consecutive performances of the ‘* Royal British Light Opera Company with Genuine English Comedians," and laugh at every joke. ‘The first night Hercules almost died from an acute attack of nausea, but after a while he became used to it, and acquired such an excellent imita- tion of a laugh that the management tried to engage him to keep the audiences from going to sleep. ‘The fourth feat was to be Street Commissioner of New York City for two years without cleaning the streets. To an energetic person Preiias Neg N id 251 like Hercules this was a severe strain, but by associating throughout his term of office with other Tammany office-holders, he succeeded in put- ting the appropriations where they would do the most good and never cleaned a street. After this he was appointed Fool-Killer, with the outside limit placed at two fools a day. This came pretty near saving Eurystheus, for once after Hercules had killed the two fools he was allowed for that day, he met Elliott F. Shepard and Ward McAllister at a pink picnic given by the latter in honor of the former, ‘The sixth labor was to hear a Chicago man talk ten minutes about Chicago. ‘The seventh was the severest of all. He was appointed society re- porter on a New York daily, and for two seasons was obliged to attend all the teas, receptions, dinners and balls of the Four Hundred. Having accomplished all these tasks Hercules was set free from his =: _ bondage and appointed Royal Dog NAVI catcher to their Highnesses, the 0 King and Queen of Olympus. But Sra he yielded to temptation, and stole HERCULES ASKS FOR MOKE. Cerberus, the watch-dog of Hades, Pluto made such a row about this that Hercules was obliged to resign, ‘Then he resolved. to marry and settle down, He chose for his bride a young woman named Dejanira, and with her dowry established a nectar distillery near Mount Olympus. Through his acquaintance with some of the gods he manages to evade the Internal Revenue tax, and is rapidly acquiring a snug little fortune. Metcalfe. comicbooks.com