Life — November 22, 1888 — page 3: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

AN AZTEC FRAGMENT. SUPPOSED TO REPRESENT A WIFE SUGGESTING THE HOUR TO HER HUSBAND ON MIS RETURN FROM A FANCY-DRESS BALL. A FATAL BLOW. HE placid calm of an utterly imbecilic afternoon brooded over the Whippersnapper Club with somnolescent softness. Not a single idea had been uttered in the club parlor since the stroke of twelve, when young Cubleigh had aroused himself to the supreme effort of remarking that it was‘ Noon, bay Jawve!" The members in the window sat sucking their cane-heads, with eyes so nearly closed that they might have passed for blind men to the passers by on Fifth Avenue, The members in the parlor sat sucking their cigarettes and staring at nothing, with the gentle glare that charac- terizes the eye of a codfish expiring ecstatically on a fishmonger's slab, Gentility, and the vast intellectual coma inseparable from gentility in the Whippersnapper Club, had set their seals upon the club and claimed its passive company for their own. Suddenly the perfect restfulness of this superior scene was rudely disturbed. In the flagged hallway sounded the flap and creak of boots which could never have been constructed to flap so insolently or creak so disdainfully outside a cordwainer’s shop, and E. Vander- berry Gall, Esq., bent by the weight of his newest cane, staggered into the room and sank into a chair. “Well,” gasped Mr, Gall, * by Devi The effect of this awful imprecation was that of an electric shock. It was a well-known fact in the Whippersnapper Club that when Mr, E. Vanderberry Gall aroused himself to the exertion of swearing, something must be up, indeed. “\Deah boy !" protested Mr. Flobson, who considers himself Mr. Gall’s best friend, in imploring accents. Mr. Gall closed his teeth, opened them again, and with an accent of determination repeated : “Yaas, by Devil!” ““Deah boy!" repeated Flobson. deah boy !"" “Ged! gasped Mr. Cubleigh, when Mr, Gall made no response to even this pathetic appeal. ‘It must be a cwushaw to fetch Bewy so dooced hard !"* “Haw,” replied Mr. Gall, ‘it's a twip-hammaw, by Devil! A twip-hammaw !"” “‘Oh, come now, I saay, 285 And he held out to the startled com- pany a small slip of paper bearing some printed characters upon it. Mr. Snob- son, who happened to be nearest to him, took it, glanced at it, and turned as pale as if it had been a tailor’s bill. “Hay,” he exclaimed, bay Jawve, Tsay!” “Yaa Jawve! The slip of paper was now making a tour of the company, its progress punc- tuated by exclamations of disgust, hor- ror and despair. “ Dayvil of a thing, hay?” remarked Mr, Gall. The club gave it as its united opinion that it was ‘cussed, beastly fawm,” and demanded to know where Mr. Gall had found it. “My fellaw found it," replied Mr. Gall, “found it in a newspapaw, bay Jawve! Cut it out and wead it to me, bay Jawve!” Bay Jawve !" said the club, in a fine unison of high-bred amazement. ‘Oh, come now, bay Jawve !” “Yaas,” repeated Mr, Gall, firmly, “bay Jawve 1” “But what the dayvil,” demanded Mr. Snobson, ‘‘is a fellow to do, bay Jawve, if any beastly low cad can get the stwaight tip, bay Jawve, faw thirty cents, bay Jawve, whether he’s a membaw aw not, bay Jawve?” Mr. Gall replied, ‘* Nawthing,” in a very weary voice, and Mr. Flobson called a servant to post the startling slip on the blackboard, where every one might read it and know that the bolt had fallen at last. And there it is posted in this hideous and revolting shape, a silent yet eloquent testimonial to the base commercial instincts of the time. replied Mr. Gall, ‘bay JUST READY. HINTS ABOUT MEN’S DRESS, RIGHT PRINCIPLES ECONOMICALLY PLIED, BY A NEW YORK CLUBMAN. 18mo, parchment paper. Price, 30 cents, AP- A useful manual, especially for young men de- sirous of dressing economically, and yet according to the canons of good taste. The club was called in general session that evening to a con- ference with closed doors. The suggestion that the damaging volume might have been compiled by a member of the Whippersnap- per having been happily refuted by the production of evidence that there was no man in the Whippersnapper capable of writing even a thirty-cent book, a council upon means of combating the influence of the anonymous monster's work was entered upon. The sugges- tions being all in, Mr. E. Vanderberry Gall was called upon as the most representative member in point of debts, dress and dullness, for his casting vote. Mr. Gall accepted his responsibility with the heroic calmness of resignation. “Theah is only one thing faw us to do,” said he, with the tremor of deep feeling in his voice. ‘* When evewy cad in New Yawk is as well dwessed as we aw, we ‘shall—aw,” and his voice faltered with natural emotion, ‘we shall—aw—have—aw—yaas, bay Jawve! we shall—aw—have to not dwess at all!” And bursting into convulsive sobs he fell into Mr. Flobson's arms, while the club adopted his resolution, xem. con. 7 je Snob. comicbooks.com