Life — June 16, 1887 — page 5: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

- LIFE - LIFE OF ABRAHAM LINCOLN. Condensed from the Century Magazine. CHAPTERS I, TO MMDCCCLXII. INCLUSIVE. ]§ order that this history may be as explicit, thorough and concise as possible, it will be necessary for us to go back several hundred years, and study the habits, characters and misfortunes of some of those people who figured in the golden days prior to the time in which we are interested—people who would interest the most d/asé, and who, alas, are gone, but won't stay gone or forgotten, or any- thing else for that matter ! Prior to the landing of Columbus, the only town of any impor- tance in this country was Boston, sweet Boston upon the Chawles ! What Chawles’s hind name was nobody has ever been able to find out, but this did not prevent Boston from existing in the vicinity, and flourishing there, in a small way, although the town was surrounded by a dense forest of bean-trees, where the bears and the wolves and the porcupines read their Emer- son and Browning in undisturbed seclusion and security. But, ah me ! how the times have changed ! The bears have now all fled to Wall Street, the wolves are wear- ing merino underclothing, and the porcupines—ah! the porcu- pines are all in Boston yet, ready and waiting to shoot their quills at any unfortunate stranger who may dare to approach the gates of their holy little city. One of the most distinguished inhabitants of Boston at that early date was a Mr. Timothy Magin- nis, a most elegant gentleman of French extraction, and a man of deep religious convictions, as was evinced by his hanging over the door of his apartment this touching though sometimes rather per- sonal text: ance OF Aprawam LincoLy, GOD BLESS OUR FLAT! He was also Judge of the Circuit Court, and Lieutenant-General of the local militia ; and, by the way, it is a strange fact that all the char- acters in this history were both judges and generals, or at least, if they were not they ought to have been, which is, of course, the same thing in the end.* Mr. Maginnis was never married, and he was also a bachelor, a combination of mis- fortunes that is truly painful to contemplate. He was also of a bilious temperament, much given to music and poetry, and played beautifully on the catarrh. Among the very earliest settlers in the western part of Arizona was a Mr. Jim. Cripples, a very elegant gentleman, as was like- wise Mrs. Cripples. Mrs. Crip- ples was Mr. Cripples’ wife and not his mother. We mention this fact simply because in mak- ing history for the civilized world one cannot be too careful and explicit, for any little inadvertance may give posterity untold trouble and annoyance.t Mrs, Crireces. ‘The good die young. +There can be no more charming Christmas or wedding present th beautiful crystal globe, filled with clear fresh water, in which several exquisite gold-fish can be seen enjoying themselves, their glistening sides fairly shaming the rainbow as they disport themselves in the lightness oftheir hearts! (Copy- righted.) FARM TILLED BY A MAN WHOSE GRANDFATHE! WITH A LADY WHOSE NIECE’S HUSBAND SHOOK HANDS WITH AN ACQUAINT- One of the most prominent characters at this date was that old pioneer, Joel Flinders. Mr. Flinders was a most elegant gentleman, anda terrible swell, wearing suspenders on week-days as well as Sundays. He spent his summers at Newport, and his winters in Jacksonville, in order to accustom himself to the idea of death. One day, however, during the crowded spring season, he re- marked that the hotel was very full, where- upon, the managers said that to accuse their house of inebriety was a thing they could not and would not stand, and so Mr. Flin- ders was obliged.to go out to Montana, where he settled down ana married a Philadelphia girl who had wandered out there in her sleep.t He then built himself a most palatial residence, and divided his ex- tensive domain into preserves, quail, grouse, currant, strawberry and other jams, but no crowds what- ever. Here he lived in great style, dining at twelve M., and going to bed at six P. M., so that he could be an early bird and catch worms. At about this time the Flinders were joined by a Mr, and Mrs. Croaker, and their two pair of twins, all of them very elegant people indeed, and famous for their ability to emigrate. Soon after their arrival, however, things began to go wrong, chiefly because Mrs. Croaker's clothes were a trifle more new-fashioned than Mrs, Flinders’, and moreover, Mrs. Croaker had an aggravating habit of shaking out the folds of her dress over her bustle whenever she arose from her chair, and then smoothing down the little tails of her tailor-made jacket; and this was more than Mrs. Flinders could bear, for she, Mrs. F., had, I am grieved to acknowledge, neither tailor-made jacket nor—well, if I must confess it—nor any bustle either! And then, on top of all this, Mrs. Flinders called on Mrs. Croaker one day with a view to organizing a glee club to scare the Indians away with, and she observed that judging from Mrs. Croaker’s name she must come of a musical family, and more- over, she had overheard her sing- ing frequently ; but Mrs. Croaker said that she was not at all musi- cal, and it was their parrot that Mrs. Flinders had heard sing- ing, and’ so from that day the coolness between these two ladies grew cooler still! And now, my dear friends, hav- ing given you a most ‘thorough and complete history of the entire life and career of our martyred Porrrarr or Hiram S. FLINDERS, President, we will bid you a most FORMERLY ONE OF THE SELECTMEN OF tender farewell, for, to be perfectly SMITHFIELD, ARKANSAS, candid, we hear the distant tinkle of the dinner-bell, and as we were spanked and sent to our room without any lunch we are naturally interested in the coming event. And so, good evening! Charming weather we are having! Do call azain soon; always delighted to see you! Good evening! ‘Roland King. Oxions RatseD By Timo- 1HY MAGINNES IN 1704 RVANT ONCK SPOKE, There ought to be a footnote here, but we've somehow or other forgot- ten what it was. comicbooks.com