Life — April 16, 1885 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

~ GOOD NEWS, IF TRUE. ~ HE scientists say the tides are slowly | lessening the speed of the earth's | rotation, and the time is coming when one day, instead of being twenty- four hours, as now, will be twenty-eight days long. This is certainly cause for rejoicing, if it prove to be true. The small boy will be able to have two weeks’ schooling all in a lump, with meals and recesses scattered all through the forenoon, and when he is let loose—the best term for small boys and wild animals—he can play continuously for a week and a half. He cannot be spanked and sent to bed without his supper, for such a sentence would cause him to seek his little hereafter, a course which would hardly please “popper” and “mummer,” however else it would affect the neighbors. 4 The dude, no matter how impecunious he may be, can ap- | pear in a new suit of clothes every other week, and in some instances every other day. The family man can go out and spend an evening with his old college friends long enough to satisfy any one, and the | THE MESSENGER BOY WILL FINISH HIS ERRAND IN- SIDE OF A WEEK. effects of next morning will be too far in the future to cause | him any uneasiness. A two weeks’ vacation will be a boon to many a tired mor- tal, and maiden ladies of thirty-five can quote their ages at sweet sixteen, by regulating the past on a four-week day basis. A horse on the verge of dissolution, with three legs in the grave and the other containing a quarter crack, can be easily sold as a three-year-old colt; spring-chickens can live the present hen’s age without being unsprung, and other ad- vantages, too numerous to mention, will result from this predicted change. To be sure, we will all have to carry eight-day clocks in our fob- pockets, which must be wound several times a day, but this is counteracted by the fact that we shall be spared a daily paper for nearly a month ; and, ah, priceless boon, a messenger boy, who starts with a mes- sage, the destination of which is two blocks away, will be enabled to finish his errand inside of a week. In fact, all the disadvantages are offset by corresponding benefits in which all can share, except, perhaps, the tramp, for whom ten days on the Island will mean something more than usual. Carlyle Smith. A LOVE SONG. WRITTEN UNDER DIFFICULTIES. NOW for a rhyme that is lyrical, Inspired by a vision of you; A wonderful, metrical miracle Performed in a stanza or two. A song that shall know no impediments To frustrate the fling of its feet,— A song that shall celebrate sediments Of sentiment sugary sweet. Ahem! Well your heavenly ocular Surpasses the crystalline gem ; Your lips have a hint of a jocular Expression becoming to them. That is all, and it’s incomprehensible ; I doubt if you know what I mean ; However, I think it 's as sensible As other love poems I ‘ve seen. I’m not very much on emotional Productions in verse you can see, But I'm sure I am quite as devotional As you would desire me to be. Idle Idyller. TRUE ENTERPRISE, HE following card of an enterprising undertaker in a small western town is said to have appeared recently in the local daily : CHOLERA! CHOLERA! CHOLERA! WHEN THE CHOLERA COMES PRICES WILL BE HIGH. BUY YOUR COFFINS EARLY AND AVOID THE RUSH. Seize this opportunity and Ect a good article and one that will suit you. ‘The undersigned has the finest stock of coffins ever offered for sale in this town, J. JONES, Funeral Undertaker. comicbooks.com