Life — October 30, 1884 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

NOTES. Te Prohibitionists will be delighted to know that a learned German scientist has applied the principles affecting water tight compartments to the human species, and water tight men will shortly become not only a scientific possibility, but a hilarious reality. %* * * MR. FRANCIS GALTON, holds that the capacity of man is finite, and therefore measurable. He has sug- gested that a laboratory be opened at Cambridge, England, to investigate what he calls a new science, the “ measurement of human capacity.” Mr. Galton has only to come to this country during a political campaign to.be convinced that his science is not new. The various political leaders have established laboratories in all parts of the Union, where the capacity of good able- bodied voters is tested hourly with, in many cases, satisfac- tory results, politically speaking. These results sometimes lead to economic disturbances and affect equally optical science, and often give the subject a chance to investigate the various phases of Reptilian Imagination. For Mr. Galton’s edification, we may state the effect of a certain experiment in testing the capacity of a gentleman from New Jersey. He was first tested with a certain magnetic fluid used largely by German scientists and made in Milwaukee. The circumference of the gentleman was about forty-two inches, and his capacity was found to equal the contents of four spheroids, having each a thirty-two inch circumference. He was then tried on several streaks of Jersey lightning, which left him in a state of blissful twoness, to coin a word which fills an aching void inthe English language, which was wond- derful to behold. Bringing this down to figures which never lie, the subject who, let us say, consisted of 100 per cent was found to have a capacity of five times his own volume. He was turned over by the managers of the preliminary examination to the opticians, who discovered that for every single object placed before either eye, seven distinct represen- tations of that object penetrated to his brain, an unprecedent- ed record in Jimjamnatory Science. Nor was this the only science benefited. The subject, after recovering from the effects of the experiment, reported the discovery of seven new specimens of Icthyophagi, six unheard-of birds and thirty-two serpents, accurately described by him, but until then entirely unknown to the animal kingdom. We trust Mr. Galton wil] not be discouraged in the good work that has been begun under such brilliant auspices. SOCIAL TORTURES, NO. 1. UR clumsy and ungainly Anglo- Saxon manners, dulled by gray Puritanism, need softening; at the age of eight, the boy who longs to be playing ball or coasting, as befits a young barbarian, has his Wednesday and Saturday after- noon made hideous by the dread threat of Dancing School. The little girls like this, bless their pretty souls! Their dainty feet feel that the polished dancing floor is their natural kingdom. Then the proud boys, lords of the ball-field, and despots of the tennis ground, are reduced to subjection and shuffle awkward, in tight fitting clothes and gloves a world too small for their hard, red hands. What tortures does a savage like this have to endure, be- fore he is endued with this garb of an advanced civilization. He enters sulkily at his mother’s call, covered with mud, as to his boots; his rebellious hair upon end, and his hands thrust deep into his pockets to conceal their griminess. He hears outside the cheers of his playmates, whose parents are not so careful of their children’s manners and deportment, and sadly submits to the comprehensive scouring which he has to undergo. Fine combs tear through the jungles of his hair, harsh towels are thrust into his eyes, and his hands, which ostrich-like sought his pockets, are covered with pumice-stone. His hateful best clothes are put on him; a broad,white frilled collar and a bright blue necktie, while silk stockings and bright new pumps complete his misery, Then, after a prolonged struggle with his gloves, he is hurried to the dancing school to dance with gzr/s/ You remember how much scorn a boy can put into the word “ girl.” He feels conscious that this is no place for him as he peers through the door of the dressing- room, where he finds many boys to sympathize with him over the loss of the snowball fight with the boys at the other end of the town. But some recreant knaves there are among the schol- ars, who like to wear shining pumps and tight gloves, and have an unholy knack of dancing well. These boys get into their gloves without any foreign assistance and boldly walk into the room, bow with politeness to the long-legged dancing mas- ter, and engage all the prettiest little girls for weeks ahead, so that to our little savage fall the lame, thg halt, the timid, and the freckled. Discouraged at this prospect, he hides in the boot closet, whiling his moments of seclusion by mixing up the overshoes, and putting the boys’ mittens into the wrong pockets. But even as his grimy hands, thrust deep into his pocket, cannot escape his mother’s detection, so his comicbooks.com