Life — July 31, 1884 — page 12: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

lipeEy Child of Experience : END OF THAT THING BITES! “Wha—whadyer want for dese yar chips?” asked Mr. WILLIAMS, with an attempt at cheerful indifference. “The usual squivalent,” replied the Rev. Mr. SMITH, yawning again. “Fourteen dollahs,” said Mr. WILLIAMS, grandly. “ Yar's de mount,” he added, handing over a collection of the due | bills he had just raked in. “Gin me de spondles,” said the Rev. Mr. SMITH. to the I. O. Us. “Tain’t no cla’rin house,” said the Rev. Mr. SMITH. “Dem notes is legal tender,” said Mr. WILLIAMS. The Rev. Mr. SMirH bestowed upon Mr. WILLIAMS a steady and dangerous glower. squivalent fer dem notes am honah. Ise de lass man in de world to doubt a niggah’s honah, but Ise de lass man in de world to buck my money agin it. Gin me de squiv- alent.” With a sepulchral sigh, Mr. WILLIAMS disgorged four- teen lawful dollars, and the Rev. Mr. SMITH, yawning again, quitted the room. - Mr. WILLIAMs did not break the gloomy silence for several minutes. Then he said: “Niggahs, dis yar speriment am a failure. Wena nig- gah kin put in a niggah’s paper and ’stract chips, dar ha’nt no profit in bankin’, an’ de credit ob dis yar Club am gone, lessen the papah’s backed wid de c’lateral. Dar’s no mem- bah got c’lateral. Dis yar papah ’s wuff lessen fo’ cents a ‘pound. Dis bank’s ’spended.” The Club adjourned. DRAWING materials—mustard and water. Wuat kind of plank is used to make a New York Board of Aldermen? Tammany-Republican deal, of course! GEOGRAPHICAL definition—apeninsular is that with which the average British tourist writes about America and things American, Mr. SMITH: Jones, I don’t object to Music, but when that dog of yours barks all night, 1 think it a little too much. Then, you do n't appreciate Offenbach? PATENT APPLIED FOR. HE other day I paid my fare at an uptown Elevated station, passed through the gate and was just watching my ticket slip out of sight, as the gateman shook hands with the box, when some one touched me on the arm. Turning, I saw a long-haired individual, who might have passed for a college professor. “Tf you have a minute to spare—” and he paused expect- antly. “Certainly,” I replied, “I have got to wait for the next train. Go ahead with what you have to say.” “Thank you,” he continued ; “I would like to show you a very valuable invention which I have made. It is something which will appeal directly to the heart of every man in Amer- ica. If you are a bachelor it will prove a constant source of comfort to you, and if you are a married man, you ought not live without it. Now, you know that if you get up at night, it is absolutely impossible to find the match-box in the dark. | No matter how certain you may be of the position in which you saw it last, it is sure to have changed its place and to “Dar am de bills,” said Mr. WILLIAMS, pointing again | have secreted itself with diabolical ingenuity behind the look- ing-glass or the most fragile article on the mantel-piece. It | does n’t make the least bit of difference how familiar you are | with the geography and topography of your bed-room, or whether you 4vow that the match-box is screwed to the wall | near the bureau, you won't be able to find it, until somebody “De squivalent fer dem chips,” he said, “am tin. De | comes in with a lighted candle. Another peculiar but equally well-known fact is, that the room appears to be filled with rocking-chairs, If there is only ove rocking-chair in the whole house, it will inevitably be in your room, and will exercise | such astonishing agility that it will be all over the floor at once, and will encounter your unprotected shins at every turn. Do not you, sir—does not every man know to his sorrow that it is as futile to find the match-box as it is impossible to escape ! the rocking-chair ?” comicbooks.com