Life — September 13, 1883 — page 11: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

AMERICAN ARISTOCRACY. AN esteemed subscriber writes to say that he was ‘* inexpres- sibly surprised and pained " to observe that in the last issue of Lire place was given toa “plebeian and venomous" attack upon Newport, which commonwealth, he informes us, is the “ centre of aristocracy, refinement, and fashion in this country.” Furthermore, he charges Lire with consorting in opinion with that literary and therefore low-flung person, Mr, RICHARD Grant WHITE, who has recently advanced the ignorant and ill- bred theory that the true aristocrats of America are infrequently found in the haughty and exclusive coterie known broadly as the “* first circle of New York society.” He then takes Lire by the throat and bloodthirstily demands to be ‘categorically informed"”"— 1st. What is the first circleof American aristocracy? and. Is it not a lawful aristocracy? 3¢. Cannot the American aristocrat lay as valida claim to blood as his congener of Europe? 4th, What are the requisites of eligibility to admission to American aristocracy? sth. Is not the American aristocrat the “ noblest pro- duct of modern civilization, progress and refinement?” 6th. Where is the centre of American aristocracy? Under this fierce compulsion, Lire stands and delivers, cate- gorically, as follows : Ist. The ‘ First Circle of American Aristocracy " isa generic term applied to a number of persons who have formed a social confederation with the object and privilege of calling themselves American aristocrats of the ‘‘ First Circle.” The adjective ‘* American” is here used to distinguish this aristocracy from other aristocracies, notably English, for the same reason that honest Broadway jewellers label some of their wares ‘Parisian dia- monds"' and others simply ‘‘ diamonds.” Awkward explanations and much confusion are thus prevented by muzzling the foreign investigator of our social system with this simple but ingenious device, and. It is the legal right of every American citizen to call him- self what he pleases, except in the case, for example, where WILLiAM SMiTH calls himself Aucustus Brown upon a cheque, in characters fairly similar to those with which said Brown em- bellishes Ais cheques, aud presents the same at said BRown’ bank to his, SmirH’s, pecuniary advantage. Except in this case, which some authorities claim to be irregular, WILLIAM SMITH is also free to subject his name to a process of evolution which may eventually bring it out as De SMyTHE or even DesMyTH. It is also lawful for said SaiTH to call said Brown what he pleases, conditionally upon BRown’s not being offended, or upon Brown's being physically inferior to SmitH. Therefore it follows that both SitH and Brown can lawfully call themselves aristocrats, or can apply the term to each other, provided in this second case their wives visit and are otherwise upon agreeable terms. Now if the law sanctions Brown's calling himself an aristocrat and calling SMITH one, and empowers SMITH to do likewise in regard to himself and Brown, it is clear that the future social condition of DesmytH and VAN Bruyne (BRowN—Brow! BruyN—VAN Bruyng) is “lawful aristocracy.” Now if JEREMIAH Jones be seized with a burning to call Aimse// an aristocrat, he can lawfully do so, but he cannot lawfully compel either Desmyttt or VAN Bruyne to apply the term to him, for the reason that Mrs. Gwendolyn Van Style: WAYS REMEMBER TO OFFER THE SALVER FOR THEG AND, GRIFFIN, AL- TLEMAN’S CARD, Griffin (elevating himself to tiptoe): Yes 'M. Mrs. G. Van S.: AND, UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES, GRIFFIN, REMAIN WAITING IN THE DRAWING-ROOM UNTIL I COME DOWN, AS YOU DID YESTERDAY. Griffin (lets himself softly down to his heels again) : But SUPPOSE, MEM, AS I TAKES HIM TO BE A GENT, MEM, WHAT 'LL BEAR WATCHIN’, MEM, Mrs. Jones’ pew is fourteen rows back from that of Mrs. Van Bruyn, and she was once brazen enough to get Mrs. DesMyTH's. dressmaker to sell her some of the same trimming with which that exclusive lady garnished her Easter bonnet. Thus having only one vote, although JEREMIAH JONES parboils /is name and moulds it into (JEREMIAN Jones—J. MEYER JouNs—J. MEHR Joun—VeR MEHR St. JOHN), he is less an aristocrat than either DesmyTH or VAN BRuyNE, who have two votes apicce, and hence must be content to move in the Second Circle of New York Society, and be snubbed by DesmyTH and VAN Bruyneg, with the privilege of snubbing in turn the luckless PETER ROBINSON, who, not having been voted an aristocrat even by himself, is still groping in the Third Circle of New York Society, feebly consoling himself by patronizing JacoB Hiccins and MikE Murpuy, both of whom, being vulgar enough to possess intelligence, grovel in the Fourth Circle of New York Society. This state of affairs continues for, say fifteen years, Meantime Peter RoBinsoy, by steady devotion to the art of making friends comicbooks.com