Judge — July 21, 1923 — page 21: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

STORIES TO TELL JUDGE pays $10 weekly for the beet story aub- mitted for thia page, and $5 for the accond be All othere at regular rates. Original, unpul A lished humorous storice only are wanted. dress “Storice to Tell Editor,” Judge, 627 43d Street, New York City. Second Prize s> owns and operates clusive shoe-shining parlor” in Yestern town, and, as customers are rather scarce thereabouts, he can’t afford to offend any of them. But his “parlor” has to be run on a strictly cash So when a man a little too well known to Uncle Ned as “slow pay” came in to have his shoes shined and suggested to the old negro a desire to at a later date, Uncle Ned did some quick thinking. “I’se sorry, boss; I sure is,” he re- plied, “but I jes’ cain’t do it, you see. De banker on de nex’ cohner an me— we done made a’ greement dat ef I didn’t len’? no money he won't shine shoes, an’ I jes’ cain't break dat’ gree- ment, Balad Att carefully effecting an entrance into the bank, the burglar found his way to the strong room. When the light from his lantern fell on the door, he saw the sign: “Save your dynamite. The safe is not locked. Turn the knob and open.” For a moment he ruminated. “Any- how, there's no harm in trying it, if it really is open.” He grasped the knob and turned it. Instantly the office was flooded with light, an alarm bell rang loudly, an electric shock rendered him helpless, while a panel in the wall opened, and out rushed a bulldog which seized him. An hour later when the cell door closed on him he sighed: “I know what’s wrong with me, I’m too trusting. I have too much faith in human nature.” sae TIRED business man was spending his vacation in the country. He had been fishing for several hours in very. shallow water in a_ picturesque stream without succe A farmer boy came along with a fine string of trout. The tired business man was astonished, and said: “Son, I have been fishing here for five hours, and only baited my hook once, when I started. What is the matter with the poor fish?” The boy scratched his head and re- plied: “Huh! The poor fish is on the wrong end of the pole!” . tae Avouee applied for a job as chamber- maid at the Waldorf-Astoria. The interview was very satisfactory and the employment manager concluded by ask- ing for her references. ‘Me riferinces?” queried the woman, “Sure me riferinces don’t do me justice and I left ’em home.” She got the job. Firat Prize New York lawyer, gazing idly out of his window, saw the pretty stenographer across the street sitting in her employer's lap. The lawyer noticed the lettered name on the window, and then searched in the telephone book. — Still keeping his eye upon the scene across the street, he called the gentleman up. In a few moments, he saw him start violently, and take down the receiver. “Yes,” said the lawyer through the phone, I should think you would start.” The victim whisked his arm from its former position, and began to stammer something. % ’ continued the lawyer severely, “I think you'd better take that arm away. And while you're about it, as long as there seem to be plenty of chairs in the room—" The victim brushed the lady from his lap, rather roughly. “Who—who the devil is this, any he managed to splutter. “I,” answered the lawyer, in deep, impressive tones, “am your conscience!” and then he hung up. WO MEN, sitting on a country store Be were discussing the relative merits of medicine. They agreed that potions of more or less alcohol told of having a bad ca had prescribed whisky. times a day,” expl patient. “Now I xactly how to judge a dose. wanted.” other. ““Eight drams equal one The decoy. cured by the remedy. 19 were preferable in most cases. » of the flu and of how the good, old-fashioned doctor “He told me to take an ounce three ned the erstwhile had no means weighing the liquor and I didn’t. know © I thought of my old school arithmetic and there I found the information “What did the book say,” asked the replied the fortunate one who had been