Judge — January 20, 1923 — page 9: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Stories to Teli JUDGE pays $10 weekly for the best story submitted for this page, and $5 for the second best. All others at regular rates. First Prize A ractFruL dealer in Brooklyn ran a so-called “five-and-ten- store” but at the same time ca many articles that were over cents. Recently a woman entered the store, picked up a toy from one of the counters and placed a dime in the merchant's palm, He smiled. “Excuse me, madam,” he ex- plained, “These are fifteen cents each.” “But I thought that this was a five-and-ten-cent store?” argued the customer. “Vell, I'll leave it to you,” was the reply, “How much iy five and ten?” Second Prize AS ne closed his desk for the day, ariggs announced that he was going to mect his fiancée for dinner and that he must stop somewhere and buy a clean collar. “Ah! said Boggs in pretended sur- prise. “Going to wear a collar, are you?” “Of course I am,” replied Griggs, “One does, it one doz., sistent purist. doz.” “You mean one-twelfth tt AY American and an Irishman were engaged in a heated argu- the faster The American declared that in his younger days he could lay 10,000 brick per « ment as to which was bricklayer. “Well.” replied Pat, “You were either some layer then, or you some liar now.” tae Alp a first ser- San (to a ser geant and private who had just arrived at target range after the company had inished their prac- the sergeant having fired at 200 yards the day be- fore): **Sergeant, take Private Kline down to 200 yards und schoot ’im, den bring him back to 300 yardsund schoot “im agin, den schoot yourself und ve all go home.” raed EORGE Grace Martin were making their home at the Hotel Alleorn. George was on the road most of the time and Drawn by Fist. and was becoming quite careless about leaving Mrs. Martin) money for her penses while he was away. She wrote, reminding him of her need of money, that the proprietor insisted on her bills being paid. He replied that he did not have the money, but enclosed a thousand kisses. Another week and no money and Grace wired “You needn't mind to send me the money. [ gave the pro- prietor one of the kisses, and he was satisfied.” ree Lapy advertised for a girl to do housework, and was showing a likely applicant over the house. The prospective mistress had been rather liberal in her promises of certain. privi- leges, and everything looked as if a satis- factory settlement would be arrived at, when the girl suddenly asked, “Do you do your own stretchin “Do we do our own what?” gasped the ly in astonishment. Stretchin’,” repeated the girl solemnly. “Do you put all the food on the table at dinner and stretch for it or do I have to shuffle it around?” TEA AND TALK If you can’t talk about people behind their backs, when can you talk about them? 7 Original, unpublished humorous stories only are wanted. I pon’? want you to forget that promise you made, John dear,” said Mrs, Smith, | “You remember you prom- ised faithfully that we'd move into. a more expensive apartment next month!” “Yes, TL remember all right,” answered her husband, “but we won't have to move. The landlord just raised the rent, wwe \ MAJOR Was inspecting a company of draftees unused to the wa army. As he y noticed one man whose face had not be on speaking terms with a razor for seve days. Stopping, the major exclaimed: “Ha, ha, my man, no shave!” The private, entirely unabashed by the pom- pous air of the officer, promptly replied, “Ha, ha, my man, no razor!” * Was nobody cares for me. I guess Tl have to go out in the garden and cat worms.” Betty, aged four, had heard her father teasingly make that remark a number of times without any other response than to love him vigor- ously, but. there came a day when she asked in a whisper, “Daddy, do you Like worms?” “Well, I can’t say that I do,” was his laughing reply. “Neither do I,” confided Betty. assed along the ranks he PRINTER received an inquiry LY from a surgeon who wanted bids on several thousand letter- heads, different — sizes, grades and colors, and he wanted the form held standing The printer wrote back: “Am in the market for one oper- ation for appendi- citis, one, two, or five-inch incision, with orwithout ether; also with or without nurse. Quotations must in- clude putting —ap- pendix back and canceling the order if found sound. Successful bidder is expected to hold incision open — for sixty days as I ex- pect. to be in the market for an oper- ation for gallstones, and I want to save the extra cost. of cutting.” ere “Sam, why don't you talk to Massa and tell him to lay up treasures — in heaven “What's de use of laying treasures dar, whar he never see um again?”