Judge — April 22, 1922 — page 24: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Digest of the World’s Humor UTHBERT had been listening for half an hour to a lecture from his father on the evils of late nights and late risings in the morning. “You will never amount to any- thing,” said the father, “unless you turn over a new leaf. Remember, it’s the early bird that catches the worm.” “Ha, ha!” laughed Cuthbert. “How about the worm? What did he get for turning out so early?” “My son,” replied the father, “that worm hadn't been to bed all night; he was on his way home.”—Pittsburgh Christian Advocate. The clergyman’s eloquence may have been at fault, still he felt an- noyed to find that an old gentleman fell asleep during the sermon on two consecutive Sundays. So, after serv- ice on the second week, he told the boy who accompanied the sleeper that he wished to speak to him in the vestry. “My boy,” said the minister, when they were closeted together, “who is that elderly gentleman you attend church with?” “Grandpa,” was the reply. “Well,” said the clergyman, “if you will only keep him awake during my sermon, I'll give you a nickel each week.” The boy fell in with the arrange- ment, and for the next two weeks the old gentleman listened attentively to the sermon. The third week, how- ever, found him soundly asleep. The vexed clergyman sent for the boy and said: “I am very angry with you. Didn’t I promise you a nickel a week to keep him awake?” “Yes,” replied the boy, “but grandpa now gives me a dime not to disturb him.”—The Christian Intelligencer and Mission Field. “Eh-yah!” philosophically said an Arkansas mountaineer. “Time shore does fly! It ’pears like only just a span, as it were, from the time the baby boy is crying for his bottle till he’s off down in a holler some’rs mak- ing his own—p’tu!—licker as big as anybody!"—Kansas City Star. The Optimist—Sha’n’t get in? Why not? Somebody inside may faint!— Passing Show (London). 22 “T have bad news for you, Clarence.” “So?” “Yes. I visited a fortune teller’s this afternoon, and she told me that I am going to marry a handsome man.” —Detroit Free Press. Wife (introducing ailing husband) — I dunno what's the matter with him, doctor, but I think he must have got hold of some of that good-natured alcohol.—New York World. “Is your wife the boss of your house- hold?” “She is,” answered Mr. Meekton; “now that the hired girl has left.”— Washington Star. “How did you happen to lose your cook?” “I blame the motion picture indus- try,” said Mr. Gadspur. “How so?” “She didn’t like the kind of films shown in our neighborhood movie theater.”"—Birmingham Age-Herald. “How are you getting along with your home brew?” “T am learning a lot. I know now that the old-time brewers were not profiteers.”—New York Sun. “I don’t keer much for style, no- way,” admitted Gap Johnson, of Rumpus Ridge, Ark. “I was rid on a rail once, and if it hadn’t a-been for the name of the thing, blame’ if I wouldn’t just about as soon have walked.”—Kansas City Star. “Mr. Wadleigh must be a prominent man.” “Yes?” “Delegations of citizens are always calling to see him, and there is one prosperous - looking individual who makes frequent visits, but never has to wait for an interview.” “I think I know the fellow you are taking about. Before the eighteenth amendment went into effect he had no regular employment.” — Birmingham Age-Herald. comichoo! tee d § 7 conn