Judge — April 22, 1922 — page 15: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

The Wireless Wonders By Watt Mason IntustraTion By Henry J. Peck LOUNGED along the stcamer’s I deck, upon a wide, wide sea, and I beheld old Captain Heck come waddling up to me. “We've had a wireless from New York, a thousand miles away, and cops are waiting you at Cork,” I heard the captain say. “It seems you broke a traffic law before you came aboard; you cut a wart, some copper saw, with your James Henry Ford. And now across the heaving foam they flash the news to me; the world of waters is our home, and merry men are we. We'll have to send you back again when we have reached the shore, and they wiil put you in the pen for seven years or four. To me it seems a wondrous thing how, in the ether waves, like Nemesis, pale Sci- ence flings her noose oer flee- ing knaves. You bust a statute on the land, and think you’ll dodge your doom, and on my deck you calmly . stand, without a thought of gloom. But Science gets you, though you roam from Troy to Zuyder Zee; the world of waters is our home, and merry men are we.” Whereat the captain danced a jig, and tried to sing and smile, until the tempest blew his wig to starboard half a mile. I sat upon a coil of rope, my eyes suffused with tears, and thought of all the wireless dope I'd read in recent years. I thought of how the world admired Invention’s gifted throng, when fifty million poles were wired to carry news along. They strung the wires beneath the deep, a thousand versts or two, and while the nations snored in sleep the throbbing tidings flew. “This is the limit,” peo- ple said, “of what man can achieve; our fathers, rising from the dead, this thing would not belicve. We never could convince our sires who rest be- ws “Whereat the captain danced a jig, And tried to sing and smile, Until the tempest blew his wig To starboard half a mile.” neath the sod, that lightning flies along the wires and bears men’s words abroad.” The captain at this juncture came, and said to me, “I wist, I should put fetters on your frame, and gyves upon your wrist. For one who'll navigate a Ford has venom in his craw, and may go diving overboard, to dodge avenging Jaw. But I will take a chance, me lad, for I'm a seaman true, and I have brought a liver pad to soothe and comfert you; and here you 13 have a fine-tooth comb, and here a dish of tea; the world of waters is our home, and merry men are we.” When men first talked this wireless graft, it seemed to me absurd; I leaned against a fence and laughed, by fool emotions stirred. Some day I thought, the pigs may fly, and hens may learn to swim, and we may see, as we go by, cows roosting on a limb. Some day the fish may climb the trees to join the brooding owl, and boobs may play with bumble bees, and not rear up and howl. These wonders all may come to pass, to jar the human crew; but wireless talk is sounding brass, and bunk and piffle, too. Such thoughts as these Tused to state, I would not understand; and now, alas! the coppers wait to pinch me when I land. The captain says, “Cheer up, me lad! A frown is not in style; and things are really not so bad if you'll but sing and smile. Here is an optimistic pome in cantos twenty- three; the world of waters is our home and merry men are we.” A LOGICAL PROPOSAL When a marriage ends in divorce, justice would seem to demand that the wedding presents, or their equivalent, be refunded to the donors. Those who have invested money in the project should be entitled, it seems, to the usual creditors’ settlement, follow- ing the dissolution. WHAT WAS LACKING Smal! Mary returned again and again to the swing on the public playground. At last the supervisor remarked: “I guess you don’t have a chance to swing at home, do you, Mary?” “Oh, yes!) I have a chance, but I haven't any swing.” ON THE CONTRARY Agatha—Did you find the young dentist fascinating? Harrictt—I wes bored to tears.