Judge — March 18, 1922 — page 24: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

As TOMPKINS was on his way home after nightfall he collided with Jenkins, who was running as fast as his bulk would allow him. “Why this hurry, Jenkins?” he in- quired. “l’m—going—for—the—police,” said Jenkins, between pants. “We've gota burglar in our house.” “But, surely, you haven’t left your wife alone?” “Oh, no! She’s holding the bur- glar!” — Pittsburgh Chronicle - Tele- graph. An Irishman who was signing ar- ticles on board a ship began to write his name with his right hand, then, changing the pen to his left hand, fin- ished it. “So you can write with either hand, Pat?” asked the officer. “Yis, sor,” replied Pat. “Whin I was a boy me father (rist his soul!) always said to me, ‘Pat, learn to cut yer finger nails wid your left hand, for some day ye might lose your right.’” —Harper's Magazine. Frank Irving Fletcher, New York advertising man, said in an address to advertisers: “Another fault that is fast disappear- ing is exaggeration—lying, you know. Some of the advertisements of the past remind me of a dialogue between a salesman and a patron. It runs like this: “*What's the price of the article?’ “One dollar, sir.’ “‘Bought direct from the manufac- turer, I presume?’ “No, sir, we got it at a sheriff’s sale of the manufacturer’s stock.’ “Why did the manufacturer bust up?’ “*Through selling this article at a dead loss.’ “‘T suppose he’d paid too much for the raw material, eh?’ “Oh, no; he stole the raw material.’ “‘Gee whiz! Wrap me up half a dozen.’”—Los Angeles Times. “You took no part in the fight?” “No, your honor.” “Are you sure about that?” “Well, your honor, I might have yelled ‘Attaboy’ two or three times, but outside of that I was strictly neutral.” —Birmingham Age-Herald. Old Scot—Dinna cry, ma wee laddie! If ye dinna find yer penny afore dark here’s a match!—Wayside Tales. A BAD TIME TO BE DEAF “What! Fritz, are you still hang- ing about? Did you not hear the whistle?” “Yes, so I did; but the spike here is as deaf as a nail."—Klods Hans (Copenhagen). 22 Digest of the World’s Humor “Bad news should be broken gently,” said Otto Kahn, the New York finan- cier, apropos of the failure of a bank. “The bank tried to do the thing gently, but it didn’t succeed any better than the young sophomore who was expelled from college. “When this young man turned up at home with his belongings, his father said: “ ‘What are you doing here? day?’ “*Yes, a holiday,’ said the boy. ‘A long one?’ ““A very long one. The fact is, dad, I’m not going back to college any more.” “Don’t say that, boy!’ cried the father. ‘Don’t say that! That insti tution has turned out some of the finest men our country boasts.” “Yes, I know—it’s turned me out,’ said the young man.”—Detroit Free Press. A holi- “Lightning strikes hidden moon- shine.” And we have no doubt the moonshine knocked thunder out of it. Ill fares the land, to hastening ills a prey, where laws accumulate and their teeth decay. Whatever the human ailment is that imported hootch will cure, it seems to be getting worse. The marriage will probably be a permanent arrangement if the bride's trousseau includes a few gingham aprons. Telephone operators too frequently wait until the patient is on the verge of apoplexy before they decide to operate. —Athens Daily News. After addressing a fervid appeal to the little ivory cubes the town negro prepared to roll for a seven. “Boy,” said the country negro, who had listened to the harangue in open- mouthed astonishment, “ef you kin talk to a ’oman like you does to dem dice you ain’t never gwine to be widout a happy home!”—Birmingham Age- Herald. Jane—Oh, Susie, I’m so sorry to hear your engagement to Harry is ended. Don’t be broken-hearted, dear. Susie—Thank you, Jane, I’m not. I became engaged to Tom last night.— Detroit News. comicbooks.com