Judge — January 28, 1922 — page 29: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

It's hot! a swim!” “Whew! An Applecture By Bernard Guilbert Guerney HINK of the part apples have played in the world’s history! We might all be walking around now with- out the least worry about the H.C. of Clothes, if there had not been an awful slump after Eve had taken a flyer in Ribstones: and if Adam had made a clean job of swallowing his bite, his sons would not have to carry the evidence of his guilt to this day in the shape of the Adam's apple Ate feels hurt at not being invited to the feast of the gods What does she cast down upon their banquet table? An apple! The Apple of Discord, To the Fatrest inscribed upon it Paris gets in dutch; three goddesses wax peevish: Helen does Menelaus dirty; Troy burns, with nary a cent of insurance: and Homer dashes off quite a nifty re port of the whole thing—all on account of a few vege- table cells. Atalanta loses her cham- pionship — because of an apple: one of the toughest things the great Hercules— pupil of Professor Attila had to tackle was to steal the Golden Apples of Hes- perides. And, when we recall the heroic story of William Tell, typifying the world’s strug- gle for freedom, how much more appropriate than a silly torch would an apple be in the hand of Liberty—Liberty Offering a Bite to the World? There is nothing mean about me—any artist or sculptor is welcome to the magnificent idea. Others on request A little research would prove that it was really an apple tree which Washington chopped down with his little hatchet. And what made New England great?) Was it the harsh bean or the anemic cod fish? No, a thousand times no—Apple Pie did it! Think of how much mankind owes to Newton! If an apple had not split “Hey. you! Come back with my clothes!” for when it fell on his head, we might be without apple cider to this day! The law of gravitation is a mere by- product, due to an over-indulgence in the nectarine drink In Professor Appleby’s masterly monument to schol- arship, A Theory of Gastrotympan- ites and Gastroxynsis, Considered Especially in Relation to Apples, with a Special Chapter on Future Men, etc. (Appleton, London, 1879), vol. IX, THE FOOD-HYMN OF THE COOK-GOBLINS By Hugo Lofting Down where the glow-worms faintly glitter, Down where the fire-flies gleam and flitter, Come, listen to the sausage twitter, Sizz and crackle in the pan! ripe or truffles, fancy fishes, t doesn’t matter what your wish is: None prepare such luscious dishes As the gay Cook-goblins can. p. 472, § 17, the true story is told for the first time. Newton stumbled down after the over-indulgence above-men- tioned; his physical body coutd not move, but the gigantic intellect kept working until it evolved the immortal theory which bears his name. Latest reports in scientific circles state that the man who fell out of the window for the benefit of Dr. Einstein did so under the influence of cider. You may style a beautiful woman a peach, but that is vulgar; a classy Jane is still a pippin. Furthermore, you would never venture to say, “I'd like to get a hold of that monk! Wouldn't I be in a nice fix if I hadn't found this barrel?” “Clotilda, you are as dear to me as the pear, or plum, or watermelon of my eye!"—apple of the eye still the proper expression When you want to illustrate the limit of human perversion—such as neighbor Jones, who keeps chickens next to your garden, or daughters in- flicted with piano lessons—you say that he is rotten to the core; if he is the sort of fellow who lends you his lawnmower, you say he is Al—meaning one apple! When even love fails us, we turn to apples for conso- lation— for doth not the Bible say: . Comfort me with apples, for I am sick of love? And what epito- mizes disappointment more poignantly than Apples of Sodom? And—the earth itself fashioned ‘after an apple. is is AN ECONOMIC FACT “If good cooks are in de- mand, and the army of un- employed is so large, why in sam hill don’t some of the latter learn to cook?” “Ah, you forget, my dear fellow, that they have noth- ing with which to practice!” TREAT ‘EM ROUGH “Aw, don't you remem- ber-r-r_ sweet Alice, Ben Bolt, sweet Alice, with hair so brown? She wept with delight when you gave her a smile and trembled with fear at your frown.” Thus the singer “LT never met this here Ben Bolt,” remarked Mr. Grumpus, “but he had the right idea about handling wimmen.” AT THE CLUB BAZAAR “She is false to our club, that girl.” “What now?” “Here we are selling kisses to raise money, and she's bootlegging ‘em free in the conservatory.” CERTAINLY “Is prohibition a success “Why, certainly. Prohib an industry!"