Judge — January 21, 1922 — page 24: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

“Don’t you get tired with all those newspapers?” “Tired? No, I never read them!” —Kasper (Stockholm). A number of years ago while E. A. Thomas, chairman of our Council Bluffs Committee, was making a trip through Canada, he was writing a letter in a hotel when he accidentally upset a bottle of ink, badly disfiguring the trousers of an irascible party across the desk. He apologized pro- fusely. “These trousers cost me ten dol- lars,” shouted the man, “and you are going to pay for them.” “Certainly,” answered Thomas; “if you will give me your name and ad- dress I will mail you a check as soon as I get home.” “You'll pay for them right now— this minute,” the man insisted. Although Thomas was somewhat short of ready cash he counted out the ten. “Now,” he said, “I will take my trousers.” “Very well,” answered the man, “if you will give me your name and ad- dress I will mail them to you.” “No,” said Thomas; “I want them right now—this minute.” The man grinned sheepishly. “Say,” he said, shoving back the ten dollars, “T guess it will be all right if you mail me that check.”—Union Pacific Family Bulletin. “A hammock looks something like a spider’s web.” “Yes,” sighed Mr. Browbeaten, “that’s the way I got caught.”—Louis- ville Courier Journal. Fair Aspirant (with manuscript)— Do, please, let me read my novel to you. Publisher—Don’t trouble, my dear young lady; my reader will see it. “Yes, but he won’t see me!”—Lon- don Mail. “Isn’t it hard in these days to live within your means?” “I don’t know. My wife won't le: me try it.”—Seattle Post-Intelli- gencer. The son of a well-known physician loves to “play doctor.” The little fellow makes the round af neighboring houses, inquiring as to the health of the inmates. Usually he has with him an assortment of dolls—his “patients” in lieu of larger ones. Recently he called at a home and asked, “Anybody sick here?” He was answered in the negative. “Oh, well,” he said with professional nonchalance, producing two of his dolls, “guess I'll leave a couple of babies, anyway!" — Harper's Maga- zine. “A poor excuse!” said Senator Borah in an argument on disarmament. “As poor an excuse as Aunt Dinah’s!” “‘Look here,’ I said to old Aunt Dinah one day, ‘I put four pairs of white flannel pants in the wash on Monday, and you've only brought me back three pairs. What’s your ex- cuse?’” “‘Mah excuse, Marse Will,’ said Aunt Dinah, ‘is dat dem fo’ pairs muster shrunk up to free. Don’ yo’ know, Marse Will, dat flannel shrinks awful?’ "—Philadelphia Public Ledger. A negro couple, about middle age, presented themselves to a justice of the peace the other day for the mar- riage ceremony. After they were duly pronounced man and wife, Mandy drew away to one side while Jack paid the justice. When they were out in the hall Mandy inquired: “What'd you-all pay dat man fer marryin’ us?” “Jes what he said it was wuth,” Jack replied. “Well, what-all did he say it was wuth?” Mandy insisted. “Five dollahs!” Jack informed her. “Five dollahs!” exclaimed Mandy. “Man, man, dat ain’t no way to do nuthin’! You-all go right back dar and give dat marryin’-man another five dollahs. Dis is de third time Ah been married an’ Ah ain’t nevah yet been married for less ’en ten dollahs, and Ah ain’t gonna sta’t now!”—Kansas City Star. Mother (reprovingly)—When I was young, girls never thought of doing the things they do to-day. Daughter — Well, that’s why they didn’t do them.—Pickup. SPECIAL TURN “Has the fashion show begun on the stage yet?” “When I was there I saw nothing. “Nothing? Ah, that must have been the bathing costume section.” —Lustige Blaetter (Berlin). | |