Judge — January 21, 1922 — page 22: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Digest of the Worlds Humor “Oh, mamma!” exclaimed little Ger- trude, “I can spell ‘nothing,’ and that’s a big word, isn’t it?” “A pretty big one for a little maid your age,” replied her mother. “How do you spell ‘nothing’ 2” “Z. M.!” “Why, darling, that isn’t right!” “Yes, it is,” said Gertrude, em- phatically. “I said to grandma, ‘What does Z. X. M. spell?’ and she said ‘nothing.’ "—Edinburgh Scotsman. “Why do so many pigeons hang around the depot?” “Rice from wedding parties,” ex- plained the porter briefly. —Louisville Courier-Journal. Tell a woman she looks young and her appreciation of your compliment almost makes it truthful_—Greenville (S. C.), Piedmont. “Your honor, my wife makes me act as house girl, nursemaid and cook.” “What is your business or profes- sion?” “T'm an artist.” “An artist?” “Yes, your honor. personator.” “Umph! It serves you right. Next case!"—Birmingham Age-Herald. A female im- “What are you doing, Marjory?” “I’se writing a letter to Lily Smif.” “But, darling, you don’t know how to write.” “That’s no diff’ence, mamma; Lily don’t know how to read.”—Boston Transcript. “What sort of an appearing man is he?” “Little dried up feller,” replied the gaunt Missourian, “that looks like he always ett at the second table.”— Kansas City Star. “The butler is incompetent and must go.” “I can’t let the butler go. He'll give away family secrets.” “There is no skeleton in our family.” “I know that, wife. But I can’t afford to have my friends know how much hootch I got in the cellar.”— Louisville Courier-Journal. “Who was the poet who wrote about ‘man’s inhumanity to man’?” asked Mr. Bibbles, in a choking voice. “I don’t recall,” said Mr. Jagsby. “What reminded you of that quota- tion?” “I've just discovered that I paid $10 for a quart of cold tea.”"—Birmingham Age-Herald. “With this machine,” argued the agent, “washing is made so easy that you will be able to dispense with the services of a laundress.” “Oh, but that would never do,” ob- jected the lady of the house. “If I didn’t have a laundress come in one day a week I never would know what is going on in the neighborhood.”— New York Sun. “Why did you act so soused at the party?” “Heh?” “The home brew was harmless.” “Well, after the hostess went to all that trouble, would you imply that her brew had no kick?”—Louisville Courier-Journal. “What is that book you are read- ing “Tales of a Bartender,’” Mr. Bibbles. “How did it get through the mails?” “This is an expurgated edition.” —Birmingham Age-Herald. replied Doctor—That’s purely imagination. Just convince yourself that you're cured and you won't be sick any more. Patient—If that’s the case, doctor, consider yourself as being paid.—Le Journal Amusant (Paris). “Willie, did you put your nickel in the contribution box in the Sabbath School to-day?” “No, mamma. I ast Eddie Lake, the preacher’s son, if I could keep it an’ spend it fer candy, an’ he gave me permission.”—Denver News. “Did you hear about the awful trouble that has befallen Mrs. Talka- lot?” “Don’t tell me she has lost her voice.” “No, her husband has lost his hear- ing.”—Boston Transcript. 20 Some prudish critter has accused the girls who affect socks of being fast. It doesn’t sound reasonable to us. We have always understood you couldn't speed in low gear.—Balti- more Evening Sun. “Mother—” “Yes, Ethel—” “Will you do something for me?” “What is it?” “I wish you would buy me a roll- ing pin.” “Why don’t you buy one yourself?” “Oh, you know Jim and I have only been married a few weeks and the store man might think we were not getting along together.”—Youngstown Telegram. “Yes, Algy, we can be married. Father says he will trust me to you.” “Think he would indorse my note for two hundred plunkets?” “No, I don’t think he would trust you to that extent, Algy.”—Louisville Courier-Journal. “Are you still talking about what that audaciously dressed lady had on?” “No,” replied Miss Cayenne, “what she hadn’t."—Washington Star. Bibb—Every gentleman ought to pay his debts. Babb—Of course; if you'll let me have a little money I'li go straight to my tailor’s—Town Topics. It never does a smile any damage to crack it—Baltimore Evening Sun. “My name, sir,” said the brisk caller, “is Opportunity.” “Glad to know you, Opportunity,” said Mr. Glipping, with an air equally alert, “but you are not playing the part according to precedent.” ow’s that, sir?” “You came in without knocking.”— Birmingham Age-Herald. > A little boy stood at his garden gate and howled and howled and howled. A passing lady paused beside him. “What's the matter, little man?” she asked. “Q-o-oh!” he wailed. “Pa and ma won't take me to the movies.” “But don’t make such a noise. Do they ever take you when you cry like that?” “S-s-sometimes they d-do and sometimes they d-don’t,” wept the lad, “but it ain’t no trouble to yell.”— American Legion Weekly. “When your wife gets angry does she cry?” “Yes,” said Mr. Meekton. “It isn’t the warmth of her temper I fear so muuch as the humidity."—Washington ‘tar. comicbooks.com a oan oe