Judge — January 21, 1922 — page 21: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

With the College Wits Irrepressible, Joyous, Irresponsible IS HE? I AM an optimist— I expect to get as many pieces of gum as I put pennies in the slot machine. I think when I go to a “musical comedy” that I am going to see and hear both comedy and music. I refuse to believe that all politics are dishonest. I have secret hopes that some day there will be no reformers, Reds, cover charges, or jazz. I imagine that there was once a movie with a plot. I believe 99 44/100 of all advertise- ments. I go to lectures with the view of gleaning bits of information. I have faith that the Modern Girl is old-fashioned at heart. I am an optimist—(or am I a fool?) —Dartmouth Jack O’Lantern. BUSINESS “Goldstein is suing his wife for a divorce.” “You don’t say so? On what grounds?” “Why, she went into the second- hand clothing business and put an ad in the paper which read: ‘Mrs. Gold- stein has cast-off clothing of every description and invites an early in- spection.’”.—Washington Ghost. CLEVER OBSERVER “Why, Bob Smith! How dare you pass me up on the street?” “Oh, I beg your pardon, Milly. You have a new pair of shoes and I didn’t recognize you.”—-Chicago Phenix. Yums—There’s something free and easy about Marianne. Yams—Well, no girls wear them any more.—Williams Purple Cow. [ Giving the little sucker a chance. —Pennsylvania Punch Bowl. HER MOVE Nell—He actually told me I was dull. Dora—I suppose you've convinced him of the contrary. “Certainly. I’ve cut him ever since.”"—Hamilton Royal Gaboon. GOING IN ON THIS? UDGE’S annual College Wits number will be published early in May, 1922. The competition for its rewards will be fierce. So you young artists and writers who in- tend to win representation should get busy. All matter intended for that number must be in hand early in March. A handsome silver cup for the best art feature, another for the best literary feature, and the College that makes the best showing wins the massive silver trophy, won first by Cornell and last March by Columbia. All mat- ter accepted will be paid for. THE SPEAKER SEX He—What is the matter? You haven't said a word in the last twenty minutes. She—I never speak when I have not anything to say. “Be my wife, will you?”—Amherst Lord Jeff. MEDICAL ERROR “Doctor, I’m sorry to drag you so far out in the country on such a bad night.” “Oh, it’s quite all right, because I have another patient near here, so I can kill two birds with one stone.”— The Mainiac. THESE MEDIEVALISTS McGowan—I wish Savonarola had been a Spaniard. Nolan—Why? “Well, that’s what I said he was on my examination paper.”’—Detroit Var- sity News. NEXT TIME WE'LL BE CAREFUL Soft moonlight on the lake. Soft, pale, glimmering moonlight—and the water was dark and black and deep and mysterious. Only two were in the canoe and the paddles were not in use, so that we had our arms free for other purposes. ... And, being young and hardy and free and foolish, we used them... . Suddenly a motorboat appeared. We started to paddle, and tried to appear nonchalant ... but it was no use; we were caught and fined and severely reprimanded . . . for fishing at night.—Pennsylvania Punch Bowl. THE ONLY WAY Lady Visitor—And what brought you here, my good man? Convict 534—Well, madam, my father said when I was a boy that he hoped I would marry beauty and brains and I wanted to please him. “Yes—” “Bigamy.”"—Washington Dirge. CROWDED “Mr. Stude,” said the landlady, “I must object to your sitting in your room with your feet on the table. It’s not meant for that.” “Sorry,” said the stude, “but my roommate’s were on the floor.”—Michi- gan Gargoyle. MATL “Do you know that professors do not get any more per hour than plumb- ers?” “I think a good professor is worth it."—Cornell Widow.