Judge — December 3, 1921 — page 22: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Digest of An Eye To Business—The little daughter of a Congressman was sitting one evening on her father’s knee. She had a new little brother whom she re- garded with wonder, as children do regard the latest usurper before they have learned to love him. “To-day,” said her father, “a man offered to give me a whole roomful of gold for little brother. Shall I sell him?” The child shook her head. “But,” said the father, “think how many nice things a roomful of gold would buy! Don’t you think I better let the man have him?” “No,” answered the girl, thought- fully, “let’s keep him till he’s older; he’ll be worth more then.”—Harper’s Magazine. THE LIGHT-WEIGHT’S REVENGE— A correspondent who has recently re- turned from Florida writes that he witnessed this amusing incident on the train. A huge, red-faced conductor asked a little dried-up passenger for his ticket. The little man couldn’t find it and at last the conductor said, “Now, look-a-heah, you’ve just got one of three things to do. You can pay your fare, produce your ticket, or get off the train.” embarrassed little man ng pasteboard. Pre- senting it to his florid opponent, he grinned, threw back his shoulders and said, mockingly, “Now look-a-heah, you’ve just one of three things to do. You can exercise more, eat less, or bust.”—Boston Transcript. Just BEGINNING THAT LaTE—A Kansas normal summer school girl was entertaining an Emporia boy on the front porch of her rooming house long after everyone else was in bed. Her roommate heard her say: “Don’t be so confectionery.” “All right,” he replied. “I'll be cafeteria and help myself.” He began with the spoons!—Emporia Gazette. Darby (very deaf) to Joan (ditto)— Oi bain’t so deaf as yew makes out. Oi can ’stinctly ’ear a wopse a-buzzin’ zumwheres!—Passing Show (London). the Wor SpareD THAT MucH—‘How do you like being a soda water clerk?” “Now that I’ve tried it,” said the ex- bartender, “I rather like it.” “But the old atmosphere is gone.” “Yes, but there are compensations. When a man has had a soft drink he never says, ‘George, listen to this one.’ ” —Birmingham Age-Herald. LENGTHY CourTSHIP—‘“I guess I dian enthuse enough over the first iss.” “What do you mean, girlie?” “Charlie was pretty slow. I was ready for it two years before it hap- pened.”—Louisville Courier-Journal. DiscRETION—“Why don’t you tell people that you are a good mechanic?” “And have my neighbors forever wanting me to come over and tinker with their cars? I guess not.”—De- troit Free Press. THE HALF Has NEVER BEEN ToLD— “Half the world doesn’t know how the other half gets an auto,” says the Bunteville Herald wisely—Kansas City tar. AND THERE 1S Doust ABouT EARTH- QUAKE—Maybe you think Editor Hibbs, of the Lebanon Times and pastor of the Christian church in that town, wasn’t a busy man last week. First he started off by welcoming a new boy baby at his home, then officiated at three weddings in a row. Thursday his linotype machine turned turtle and broke a bull wheel and refused to run afterwards. There the office was, with the paper due next day and no type up. In this crisis, Mr. Hibbs hopped into his trusty Ford, came over to this office and got his type set in time to issue Friday evening. Nothing short of an earthquake will stop the average coun- try town editor.—Smith County (Mo.) Pioneer. Not To BE TRUSTED—The editor in charge of the personal inquiry column opened his seventieth letter with a groan. “I have lost three husbands,” a lady reader had written, confidentially, “and now have the offer of a fourth. Shali I accept him?” The editor dipped his pen in the ink. This was the last straw. “If you’ve lost three husbands,” he wrote, “I should say you are much too careless to be trusted with a fourth.”— Toronto Mail. INTERESTED—“There’s no flirting in golf. You have to keep your eye on the ball and handle your clubs carefully.” “Seems to me, though,” said the pretty girl, “that I’ve heard something about a mashie.”—Louisville Courier- Journal. 20 id’ s Humor AN OMINOUS PossiIBILITy — “Pretty bad fire you had here last night,” com- mented the recently arrived guest. “Eh-yah!” replied the landlord of the Petunia tavern. “The fire company had it pretty nearly put out, and then the mayor came and took personal charge of the conflagration, and yelled orders till he got the firemen so mixed up that they couldn’t do anything. And I reckon if it hadn’t begun to rain directly the whole dod-molested town would have been holocausted. But I s’pose it might have been wor: ae “How could it have been worse? “Why, the governor or a congress- man might have come and took charge instead of the mayor, and it might not have rained.”—Kansas City Star. DRAWBACK TO STATESMANSHIP—“If members of Congress were elected for life do you suppose they would do better work?” “TI doubt it,” said Mr. Grumpson. “Even as things are now, after a man has served a term or two in Congress he begins to look on his constituents as a sort of necessary evil.”—Birming- ham Age-Herald. THE Acip Test—During a campaign preceding the election of a Missouri Congressman it was suggested that, since he posed as a good business man, he might be willing to tell just what a good business man is. “That’s easy,” he explained. “A good business man is one who can buy goods from a Scotchman and sell them to a Jew—at a profit!”—The Alabama Baptist. ALARMING SymMpToMS—“Where has Senator Snortsworthy gone?” “Back home to feel the public pulse.” “Is there anything wrong with the public pulse?” “Decidedly. It beats faster every time a successor to Senator Snorts- worthy is mentioned.” — Birmingham Age-Herald. Ist Angler—Hullo, got one? 2nd Ditto (very short-sighted)—Yes, a whooper! I can hardly wind him in and some silly idiot keeps yelling. “Slack your line!”"—Passing Show (London).