Judge — November 5, 1921 — page 22: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Beaten Mrs. Harry Payne Whitney said at one of her brilliant studio teas: “English servants are very satis- factory, but sometimes their queer accent causes trouble. “I know a girl sculptor with a studio in Chelsea. She said hun- grily to her English cook one day at luncheon time: “Did you heat up that veal and ham pie as I told you to, Agnes?’ “Yes, miss, thank you, miss,’ said Agnes. “‘All right,’ said the girl sculp- tor, licking her chops. “Serve it for lunch, please.’ “But ’ow can I, miss,’ said Agnes, ‘when I’ve het it up?’”—Detroit Free Press. Helping Him Out While visiting friends in Cleveland a young Detroiter was presented with a quart of rye whisky. He decided to take it home in his suit- case. As the steamship neared the dock he became more and more nervous. Finally in desperation he confessed his fears to a fellow voyager. This kindly individual offered to trade suitcases and assume all responsibil- ity. The young man was vastly re- lieved and the change was made. The luggage was not searched and a few minutes later the two met on shore. The young man was exceed- ingly grateful. “By the way,” he observed, as they exchanged again, “you must have a lot of things in your suitcase. It’s awfully heavy.” “Yes,” said the stranger, “I have twelve quarts in mine.”—Harper's Magazine. Classified It was the Judgment Day, and throngs of people were crowding around the Pearly Gates trying to convince St. Peter that they were entitled to enter Heaven. To the first applicant St. Peter T O said, “What kind of a car do you own?” “A Packard,” was the reply. “All right,” said St. Peter, “you go over there with the Presbyterians.” The next in line testified that he owned a Buick, and was told to stand over with the Congregationalists. Behind him was the owner of a Dodge, who was ordered to stand with the Baptists. Finally a meek little individual came along. “What kind of a car do you own?” was the question. “A Ford,” was the answer. “You just think you own a car. You go over there with the Christian Scientists."—The Arklight. What's in a Name? The scholars had stumbled through their share of the reading lessons, and at last it came to little Harry’s turn. He got on quite well until he came to the word heirloom. The teacher noticing his difficulty helped him, and then asked: “And do you know the meaning of this word?” Harry shook his head. “It means something that is handed down from father to son—in other words, a relic.” “Oh,” said Harry, with a grin, “that’s the funniest name I’ve ever heard for a pair of trousers.”—Lon- don Ideas. A Strong Siphon “Good morning, Mr. Ryetop,” said the waiter, “I hope you enjoyed that old Scotch I left in your room while you were out.” “It was pretty fair,” drawled Rye- top, rubbing his parched lips, ‘but that siphon you sent up had the strongest stream of fizz water I ever tackled. The blamed thing came near blowin’ me through the window.” The waiter looked puzzled. “Si- phon? I didn’t send up any siphon.” “Yes, you did. It was red and bound with brass bands. “Great Scott! That was the fire extinguisher !”—Hotel Gazette. 20 TELL He Was Practicing A lady on entering the kitchen early one morning saw a plate and knife and fork, the former of which had evidently contained cold pie. The lady strongly suspected a cer- tain policeman of having supped off it, and the following conversation took place between her and the cook: “Mary, what has become of the cold pie that was left?” “Oh, I didn’t think it was wanted, mum, and so I gave it to the dog.” “Does the dog use a knife and fork, then?” the mistress sarcastically in- quired. “Not very well yet, mum, but I’m teaching him to,” was the unabashed reply.—Edinburgh Scotsman. Only Wanted It One Way The report in the middle west of the United States of a “driverless automobile” station along the lines of the old livery stable, where o~e might hire a “rig” and drive it oneself, affords occasion for recalling a story about the earlier institution which may serve as a warning to any who would resort to sharp practice. According to the tale referred to, a traveling man once said to the pro- prietor of a livery stable: “What is the price for a rig to go over to Blankville?” “Ten dollars,” he replied. After the journey had been taken, the owner of the horse and carriage said: “Twenty dollars.’ Asked to explain, he added, “Ten dollars over and ten dollars back.” The next time the traveling man came he again inquired, “What is the price for a rig to go over to Blank- ville?” “Ten dollars,” again answered the liveryman. Several days later the traveling man reappeared without the rig and handed the stableman $10. “But where is my rig?” demanded its owner. “Over at Blankville,” said his pa- tron. “All I wanted to do was to go over.”—Christian Science Monitor. comicbooks.com