Judge — August 27, 1921 — page 25: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THRIFT — Old Simon Skinflint boarded a train one day. As the train was full, it took some time before the conductor came to his car to collect his ticket. Simon fumbled pockets. It wasn’t there. conductor smiled pleasantly waited. Simon Skinflint felt in his vest pockets. It wasn’t there. Smiling not quite so pleasantly, the conductor gave him more time. Then he searched his coat pockets. They didn’t produce the ticket either. Once more old Simon dived deep into his pockets, delved deeper into his wallet, but no ticket could be found. Just as the conductor, with a men- acing leer, rolled up his sleeves and reached over to grab old Simon by the back of the collar and the seat of his trousers, the old man found the ticket. “Dear me! Why, here it is!” he cried, as though he had just found it. “I had it in my mouth all the time!” And he handed over the ticket just «s the train drew out. “Confound it!” he muttered, an- grily. “It took me a long time to suck last month’s date off that old ticket anyway.” And the old miser walked on his toes when he left the train to save his heels from wearing down.—Hous- ton Post. in his trousers The and KNEW H1M—There had been a tie- up on a Southern railroad, and the travelers were bored hanging around the country station. One of them in desperation started up a conversation with one of the villagers. ‘That boy over there,” he said, pointing to a native youth, “looks as awkward as a lame mule.” “He is,” agreed the resident. “He’s a shiftless, no account, lyin’ rascal, too lazy to walk up hill.” “How do you happen to know so much about him?” “Who, me? Well, I’d oughter. I’m his father.”—American Legion Weekly. Force oF HaBit—“Sir, when you eat here you needn’t dust off your plate,” the indignant restaurant keeper said. “Beg pardon, just force of habit,” said the baseball umpire. —Washington Times, late hour? told you before I went. be at a lecture —Yonkers Statesman. come nearer to giving a correct imi- tation of the ant while leading the care-free life of a grasshopper than any other man I ever knew.”—Bir- mingham Age-Herald. The New Bill o’ Fare How To SELL A BATHING SUIT— “This is a lovely bathing suit.” “It is, madam.” “But a trifle—er—daring in de- sign.” “Ah, madam, a woman without a perfect figure couldn’t wear this suit.” “Of course not. I'll take —Birmingham Age-Herald. it.” HAS THE ROOM 1 —Le’ Rire Paris). , Goop BusINESsS—“Say, Jim,” said the friend of the taxicab driver, standing in front of the vehicle, “there’s a purse lying on the floor of your car.” The driver looked carefully around and then whispered: “Sometimes when business is bad I put it there and leave the door open. It’s empty, but you’ve no idea how many people jump in for a short drive when they see_ it.”—Edinburgh Scotsman. His SIMPLE ExcusE—Mrs. Flat- bush—Where have you been till this Mr. Flatbush—To the lecture, as I Mrs. Flatbush—But you couldn’t as late as this? Mr. Flatbush—Oh, yes, I could. You see, the lecturer stuttered. Busy To No PurPosE—“Gabson seems to be an industrious man.” Sotp—“You never sit and talk to me as you did before we were mar- ried,” sighed the young wife. “No,” replied the husband, who was a draper’s assistant; “the guv’nor told me to stop praising the goods as soon as the bargain was struck-” —London Tit-Bits. “You are right.” “Then he is industrious?” “No, he seems to be. Gabson can Experience Doesn’t Always Count Cycling Amazon (after collision)—IT WAS YOUR FAULT! I WAS RIDING MY WHEEL CAREFULLY AND I'VE HAD EIGHT YEA XPERIENCE IN RIDING! Pedestrian—MabaM, I THINK IT WAS YouRS! I WAS WALKING CAREFULLY, AND I'VE HAD SIXTY-EIGHT YEARS’ EXPERIENCE IN WALKING!—Passing Show (London). comicbooks.com