Judge — May 21, 1921 — page 25: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Proresson Atpert Einstein—Tue Dirrusortsr Drazen from life, by Joseru Cumaunes Curse, after he had listened for two hours to the Professor's explanation of the Theory of Relativity. Ein(z)stein and Dreistein By Perriton Maxwett LBERT EID . the hairy haloed pundit who pro- pounded the widely circularized theory of relativity, is the only professor of physics that ever made Euclid cash in one hundred cents on the dollar or compelled an alge- braic problem to yield him a tangible profit on manufacture. He has evolved a theory of the universe which nets him a return on his investment of thinks almost as great as the revenue from Charlie Chaplin’s feet. He has built a backdoor on Cosmos and reduced infinity to the proportions of a lipstick. He has shown up the propositions of poor old Ike Newton in a way that makes them look like a schoolboy’s attempt to square the circle. He has dug a bottomless grave for the Newtonian laws of gravity. He has destroyed the value of several million dollars’ worth of textbooks. He juggles with time and space as a fifteen-dollar- a-week bookkeeper juggles with single entry. To him eternity is just a silly little giggle. He is the living symbol of an equa- tion, and he hates intelligible talk as fierc he hates a barbe Professor Einstein is not to be confused with Nicky Arnstein, though they are both members of the same racial club. Nicky’: theory of relativity involves a consideration of time and space, but not in the same proportion as that which his fellow scientist is given to exploiting. Both men are theorists of the highest achievement in pure mathematics, but the movement of the mighty atomic forces of nature is viewed by cach from a slightly different hypothesis. Nicky believes the bonds of the genus homo do not bind him to natural laws, but Al thinks all bonds are forged for fettering the scientific imagination. Alisa man of mental breadth and lives in a daily denial of his name— Einstein being loosely translated as meaning one beer. This Berliner who has awakened the colleges from their slumbers and stood science on its head declares that only eleven men in the world, besides himself, can grasp the essentials of his theory. After reading three inches of his explanation no one denies that statement, though most of us doubt the sanity 25 of the super-twelve. What Futurism and Cubism have worked in art to the confusion of the human brain, the Einstein theory of relativity has accomplished in the realm of physics. The rush of business in the insane asylums since the Einstein vogue began to reflect itself in the newspapers, has demolished all records. Profiteering in the pad trade supplying wall decora- tions for bughouse apartments outranks the emoluments of bloodsucking landlords. And now comes Dr. Charles F, Brush, of Cleveland, who says nstcin is all wrong; that for two hundred years we have falsely believed that ‘the inertia of a body was proportionate to its mass,”’ which is interesting if true. It sounds scandalous to me, and I think it is up to Professor Einstein to clear his hirsute of the awful charge. Einstein was first discovered to the world through his book, which even now after an earth-wide advertising campaign is not among the six best sellers. Then came an Englishman who wrote a book explaining Einstein’s explanations, and an Amer- ican has just issued a low-brochure explaining the Englishman’s explanation of Einstein's explanatory text. It is only necessary now for someone to write something that will condense the Einstein theory into an epigram so that those of us not listed in the Professor's Social Register of the Cerebral Elect ca least get enough out of the theory and into our systems to intelligently poke fun at it. It is a great comfort to learn that President Harding, on his own admission, is unable to comprehend the Einstein theory. It restores our own self-respect, for there’s no use denying that the smartest smart Alec among us has long harbored the sus- picion that he was a browless boob, and the rest of us have gone about our affairs in shamefaced dejection, realizing that this relativity thing refused to penetrate even the patina of our solid ivory domes. Melody By A. B. Seats ITHOUT the State of Tennessee, Where would the tear-duct songsters be? Let's se “There’s mother’s knee “Sweetheart, I'll be—— “Oh, where is she?” “Take back the k “T'll bide a wee.” And Last of All, so sad to me, “She's G. O. PL!” Muminating Chemistry Professo —The bandit knocked me down, took my purse, my class-ring, my new watch and all the radium I had in the world ¢porter—Radium! Chemistry Professor Did you have radium? Yes; on the hands of my watch. A Ravenous Species Mrs. Newcomer—The rent of our apartment is two hundred dollars a month, and I don’t see how we'll manage to keep the wolf from the door. Mrs. Holdover—The wolf? Oh, you mean the landlord? My husband always calls him “the shark.” All Wrong Is it true, my friends, that “the woman pays”? Ah, no! The woman buys; her husband pays. comicbooks.com