Judge — January 8, 1921 — page 14: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Revpen P. Stercner, President Grorce I. Stetcuer, Seeretar, Perrrron Maxwett, Editor James S. Metoarre C \. E. Routaver, Treasurer Geant E. Hasiteron, fr ributing Editor J. A. Watoros, Associate Editor HE trouble with the United States is that it hasn't laws enough. For that deficiency we can’t blame Congress or the State and municipal legislatures. They are very industrious indecd in supplying the lack Last year they enacted more than sixty thousand new laws t unfortunately for their good intentions, more than thirty thousand of these were found to be unconstitutional or ineffec tive for other reasons. What we really need is more laws like the one which some Massachusetts legislator has just prepared making it a criminal offence for women to wear high heels. JupGE has not yet seen the text of this measure so it is not possible just now to state how high heels may be worn in Massachusetts. what the punish ment will be for breaking the law, or just how inspections are to be made for its enforcement. The last duty might appro priately be added to the functions of the liquor sleuths. They could tote a heel-measure in addition to their guns without being overburdened, and they would doubtless welcome the increased privilege of investigating the private affairs of their fellow- citizenesses HIS high-heel law sounds more like Nebraska, Kansas or Towa than it does like Massachusetts. The law-makers of the Middle West have an industry in making new laws and a fertility of imagination in finding subjects for legislation which put the effete East to shame. No Eastern State has on its statute-books any such provision as their law which limits the length of bed-sheets in hotels. The Blue-laws of Con- necticut were all right in their way but they haven't been added to lately and there is a suspicion that they are not being very strictly enforced. It is said that in spite of the law Connecticut men fearlessly kiss their wives on Sunday, at least such of them do as feel so disposed Congress is reasonably active in adding to the number of laws but for the most part they lack picturesqueness. The only Congressional measures which at all approach the high-hecl and bed-sheet laws in popular interest and importance are the ones providing Senators a nd Representatives with gold tooth picks. hair-oil, cuticle knives, corkscrews and similar legi tive necessities, but these provisions are always made in such masked form that the public never gets the satisfaction of enjoying the laws while they are being made. The New York legislature is also slow in law-making of the interesting kind. It takes far more interest in repealing the Daylight-Saving Law to repay the farmer vote than it does in such vital matters as the heels of women LWAYS ready to oblige, JupGe suggests that we ought to have some more laws along such lines as these: lo regulate the amount of wind which should be permitted to blow through the whiskers of church deacons and elders. To prohibit any female citizen on any public street or thor- hfare turning her head to inspect the wearing-apparel of any other female citizen Suspending indefinitely the law of supply and demand. Compelling all gum-chewers to file bonds with the Secretary of the Treasury providing against their indulging in their vice in public and for their making a safe disposition of the remain when they have finished. Providing for the immediate deportation of all dachshunds who have not filed their papers of intention to become American citizens Making it illegal for water to run up hill. Prohibiting the display on American territory of the Nag of any foreign nation except that of the Irish Republic To make the indulgence in tobacco in any form a treasonable offence, the offender to be decapitated until he or she be dead Compelling all employers of young-lady stenographers and typewriters to equip their offices with mirrors, powder, rouge, eye-brow pencils and lip-sticks; every such employee to be given ten minutes out of every hour for the use of same, no reduction of pay to be made for said time. Making it a misdemeanor to refer to Prohibition or Prohibi- tionists in any but the most respectful terms. Prohibiting all female citizens from wearing skirts longer than one inch below the knee and compelling them to wear sealskin coats from June 30 to August 31 in each year. Declaring it a penal offence for any caricaturist, comedian or humorous writer to refer to the racial characteristics of our Hebrew fellow-citizens except in a serious manner. Providing that the hours of union labor shall be from two to two-thirty P. M. every other Thursday, except when Thursday shall fall on a holiday; further that no one union man shall be permitted to do work that four men can do in longer time Making it unlawful for any member of the New York Stock Exchange to make more than a million dollars a minute Providing that all grocery, tailor and other bills shall be payable when convenient and not before. Prohibiting the marriage of any woman with her first hus- band’s widow Making all orders by officers of the army and navy subject to a referendum and recall vote of the men. Jepce will be glad to suggest a number of other wise and necessary laws as soon as these have been enacted comicbooks.com