Judge — August 14, 1920 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

if his neighbors objected. All over the nation thousands of sad-faced human beings, convinced at last that they were not made in God's image, with the ability to distinguish be- tween right and wrong and the right to exert that right for themselves, but that they were mere blobs of pulp, began jumping into rivers, ponds and lakes to extinguish their useless exis tences. In a panic the prohibitors had an amendment passed prohibiting rivers, ponds and lakes, but it did not seem very effective. They had passed prohibiting suicide, but it did not work. Then they passed the law prohibiting melancholy, but it only made the people of the United States more melancholy. In the week be- ginning April rst, 1936, nine hundred and eighty-five thousand Americans committed suicide, saying before they kicked off that they were glad they were going to be through. L happened to be visiting with my cousin Orone McDooble,on Long Island, abovt then, and we were sitting on his porch discuss: ing the future one evening. “1 wish, when 1 bought this property,” Orone said with a sigh. “I hadn't bought it. 1 wish I had bought a place on the Sound—a place with a porch that stuck out over the Sound. Then I would walk to the edge of the porch and climb over and sink.” I felt the same way, only worse. “T've got a box of rat poison in the cellar,” said Orone, “and I'd go down and eat it, only that’s prohibited. I just want to die and be shut of life like it is now. For weeks and weeks I haven’t seen a smile or a grin or a man who looked as if hadn’t just been told he'd have to be operated on tomorrow for tobacco heart.” He stopped and gloomed for awhile another “Jack-tN-A-box” “[ don’t want to be the last poor geezer left on earth,” he said. “T guess I'm through right now. Well, good-bye, Ellis. I guess I'll go down and hunt up that poison.” “Hold on a second,” I said, “and I'll go with you. I just want to shake my foot a little—leg has gone to sleep—and then Tl go along with you and eat my share.” He sat still while I wiggled my foot and just then I heard a sound I had never expected to hear again. It was a man singing in a light and carol- some way. hitting a high note, and then a low note and, as he came opposite cousin Orone’s porch he waved a hand and smiled at us—actually smiled! “Bon jour, Maric!” he called out playfully, and went on down the street. Orone gave me one look and got off the porch and started after the ‘ stranger. I gave Orone one look and started after the stranger, too. Before we reached Main Street there were three hundred glum-faced individuals following the stranger at a respectful distance. Now and then he turned and waved a hand at us. It was amazing! It was unaccount- able. was not a vale of tears. He got on a car going toward New York and we followed him, and so did as many as could get on the car. The news of his coming had been telephoned to New York and when we ar- rived there the hundreds of thousands of glum-faced citizens who had been on their way to jump off the Brooklyn Bridge formed a procession of amazement and gloom behind him, but before we were half wa jown Fifth Avenue the stranger was stopped by the police “I'm sorry, me frind,” said one whe scemed to be in author- ity, since he wore a badge of the Prohibitory Enforcement Legion on his coat, “but the word of ye has been telegraphed t’ Wash- ington and I have me orders to convey ye This queer individual had some reason for thinking life Drawn by Sreant Har Efficiency Expert—I ast very Grativizy To ste TAKEN ON SINCE I INSTALLED MY SYSTES “Yes, | winep ‘est TO TAKE CARE OF THE SYSTEM.” HOW MANY NEW z ] thither instantaneously.” Thad heard a rumor of what was going on at Washington. The United Pro- hibiting Societies of America had called a hasty mecting there to consider what new orders they should dictate to Con- gress. The awful fact that all Ameri seemed about to commit gloomy suicide in spite of the fact that heaven had come on carth and the millennium had arrived had induced them to call this hasty conference to decide what could be done to bring back a little joy and end the suicide epidemic. News that man had been found who could still sing and smile had been flashed to them over the wire and they had sent for him to learn his secret. His secret was soon learned when ke was questioned in secret session. In one of the most solemn conclaves ever held in the United States the heads of the nation decided to pass the 3659th Amendment to the Constitution of the United States MEN YOU HAVE comicbooks.com