Judge — July 3, 1920 — page 18: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Those Inconsiderate Pedestrians Motor Fiend—Confound the careless fellow! when we ran over him.—London Opinion. ES Odor—Personally we don’t claim to be much of a chemist, but it looks like something might be extracted from onions that would do the work of gaso- line.—Dallas News. Modern Spiritism—At a séance after long waiting no sign came from the spooky world. Then the inevitable scofier remarked: “Perhaps the table leg has gone to sleep.”— Karikaturen (Christiania). The Line Was Busy—Bones—I called up on the phone today and just for fun I said, “Hello, Central, Give Me Heaven.” Interlocutor—What happened? Bones—Well, that’s not exactly what she gave me. Interlocutor—Mr. Baker will now sing “Dou’t Leave the Dishes Standing in the Sink.”—Portland Evening Express. Cost the Same—‘What is the differ- ence between a luxury and a necessity?” “There ‘is no difference at all, nowa- days." —Detroit Free Press. Well “Sweetened”—He must be an optimist who can continue to sing “Home Sweet Home” after the rent has been raised six times.—Shoe and Leather Re- porter. He must have had nails in his pockets Election Wit—‘“Why, gentlemen,” thundered a parliamentary candidate, “my opponent hasn’t a leg to stand on.” “All the more reason why he should have a seat,” came a voice from the rear.—Boston Transcript. Well Clothed—“What does repartée mean, dad?” “Tt usually means an insult in a dress suit.”—London Bystender. Less Particular Nowadays—Literary Matron—What does Shakespeare mean by his frequent use of the phrase “Go to”? Matter-of-fact Husband—“Well, per- haps, he thought it wouldn’t be polite or proper to finish the sentence.” —Stray Stories. Taking the Good with the Bad “Well, young man, you wish to be my son-in-law?” “Honestly, I have not the slightest de- sire in that direction, but if I marry your daughter, it cannot be avoided.”—Kasper (Stockholm). A Dusky Diplomatist—As_ Mr. Moses Jenkins looked down at his waist- coat he discovered that it lacked a button. “An’ Last dat wife of mine to sew it on fast last night,” he said to a friend in the shop. “I doan’ see how she forgot it.” “Doan’ ever ast yo’ wife to mend nothin’,” said the friend. “I leamt a better way befo’ I’d been married a yeah. When I wants anythin’ mended, like a shirt, fo’ instance, I takes it under my arm, all mussed up like, an’ opens de closet door and sings out to mah wife, ‘Where’s de rag-bag, honey?’ “ ‘What yo’ wants of de rag-bag?’ she asts me. “Oh, I kinder thought I’d throw dis away?’ I tells her, an’ squeezes it tighter under mah arm. “ Let me sce what yo’ got dere,’ she says, an’ den I mutters somethin’ ’bout de ‘worn-out ole thing,’ while I hands it over to her. “Why, Clarence Barker!’ she’ll say, when she’s spread it out an’ looked it over ina hurry. ‘I's surprised at yo’! Dis is puffeckly good. It doan’t need a single thing ’cept—’ An’ den and dere she sets down to mend it, lookin’ like I done made her a present.”— Harper's Maza- zine. Explained—‘“Why is it that you have never married, Sam?” asked the white woman of the shiftless colored man who did odd jobs for her. “Wor’t any of the girls have you?” “Oh, yas'm, they’d have me all right,” replied Sam. “But it’s this-a-way. When I feels like gettin’ married, I ain’t got no $2 for a license. And when I has $2, I feels too rich to get married.”— Cincinnati Enquirer. Face Looked Familiar—Dinah was a product of New Orleans, a big, plump “yaller gal,” who could cook the finest dinners for miles around. One day a new butler appeared upon the scene, and Dinah’s mistress noticed that she took a great interest in the man. At lest’ her mistress could stand her curiosity no longer and asked: “Dinah, do you know that new man?” Dinah took another long and scrutiniz- ing look and then slowly and reminis- cently replied: “Well, I dunno, Miss Alice; but I think he was ma fust hus- band!""— Pittsburg Chronicle-Telegraph. comicbooks.com