Judge — March 27, 1920 — page 30: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

MUS © emeni COHAN & HARRIS PeaNut COHAN & HARRIS Present THE ACQUITTAL A New Play HAPPY DAYS ery bay He HIPPODROME ELTING Evenings 8:30, Mats. Wed. & Sat. at 2:30 FLORENCE MOORE in “Breakfast in Bed’’ REPUBLIC (oii es of Uroadway. Evenit A. H. WOODS PRESENTS The Sign on the Dea KNICKERBOCKER," an Pate had W. GAVAGE FOR. EVERY ONE! THEATRE. 42nd St., west of Broadway Her Campaign By Mixxa Irvine M JULIANA MABEL TRIPP, In 1920 packed her grip, Pinned on a brand-new hat and went And ran herself for president. She stumped the States from East to West, From North to South without a rest, And talked and talked and talked and talked Until the seats got up and walked. She spoke of revenue increase, Eugenics, suffrage, war and peace, And tariff, taxes, trusts, and crops, And graft and strikes, and toothache drops, And dress reform and railroad rates, Until the other candidates Retired disgruntled and defected, So Juliana was elected. In Our Town By Uscte By UR old hunter and trapper pal, “Josh” Joslin, hez recently tuk in a couple of nJnk and a hull fambly of skunks and is gittin’ ready t’ ketch sum fair lady a Hudson- seal overcoat gist as soon as th’ muskrat season gits goin’ good. Th’ sed lady won’t know nothin’ about “Josh’s” wadin’ through snow up to his ears after them skins, sloppin’ cround in wet pants and fightin’ th’ Boreas wind t’ keep his trusty oid briar St. And “Josh” won't know nothin’ avou* her Valenciennes lace, ner baby ribbon, er silk socks, er her etceteras as she sallies forth to th’ opry house all dolled up and perfoomed fit to kill—but of th’ two “Josh” hez got th’ better of it; he don’t have no powder rag t’ keep track of. Hank Krootzer was goin’ huntin’ th’ fust of th’ week after he had half-soled his shoes, but it was cloudy Sataday evenin’ and he had t’ give it up. Th’ barber has adopted a rule t’ the effect that frum now on Al Trooman hez got t’ git shaved on Friday so’s ¢’ give th’ rest of th’ fellers a chanct t’ git dolled up fer Sunday. Th’ charge agin Al is that instead of growin’ falfer like he oughter, he’s jined th’ steel trust and is sproutin’ broom wire instead. Judge Manard wuz intercepted t? other momin’ totin’ his domicile clock down t’ Fisher’s jewelry emporium t’ git it mended. “By,” sez the Judge, steppin’ in front of our bull-dog and stoppin’ th’ hull percession, “it costs too much money t’ have a fambly fight these days!” “Still,” sez I, tv’ the Judge, ruminatin, like you ought t’ be thankful it’s a jeweler instead of a carpenter you're employin’. Every time our wife hits th’ editor of this department with one of them new-fangled glass rollin’ pins, it costs us from $6 to $8 to git our coco mended!” Barkley Brown, draftsman down to th’ Plant, one of them fellers that opens and shets th’ winders so’s t’ keep th’ lady stenographers cumfurtable, is goin’ through th’ Valley of Geth- sememy this week. His wife has went away to see her ma or somebody and left Barkley with about eight million dishes t’ wash, etc. Sataday night he hollered so hard that « bunch of guys went up t' help him but th’ slackers got hold of « nice little stack of butter plates that was a weddin’ present to th’ missus and started a game of p—p— it was a kind of social- istic propogander like th’ feller said: “I hev got two pigs and I will give you one of sed pigs if you kin gi frum me!"” And now th’ butter plates § red all over town and th’ dumed dis Harry Soryer and wife hez come in frum their summer home in Fox Holler t’ spend th’ winter at th’ tabl ¢ local inn. Rates has riz correspondingly. ered th’ Fall and withdrew to their lairs and houses of th’ metropolis, 5 in’ his time between run- nin’ th’ legs off'n his rabbit dog and playin’ ‘coon-can.” “Coon-can” is a very popular game played with cards as a last resort. In order t? play “ccon-can” right you must be shet off frum th’ hull world, out in th’ middle of ‘This U: el discovery ts the mest important health invention of ere meres St a yenates the, Wemad. fi spines. 1h freee ba and lritated serves, nothin’, under th’ hushed wing of silence. To git th’ best results a man should take a pack of playin’ cards and a barrel of cider, wrap hisself up in a void, git sumbody on th’ outside to twist and tie both ends of th’ negative and go on away. Th’ game is very fascinatin’ under them circumstances. Th’ only reason Harry quit it and cum t’ town was—th’ cider run out! It was so gosh dinged slippery on th’ strects Monday momin’ that quite a few of our local sinners cum to repentance. Jack Powers seen th’ danger, put on a pair of socks over his over- shoes and started in repairin’ th’ church fur- nace. Jack says a lot of th’ wicked hez been excusin’ theirselves frum services on th’ ground that they don’t propose t’ smoke at both ends of th’ route and he’s goin’ t’ remove their props so’s th’ preacher kin git at ’em. Gratis “How much is it?” snarled the customer, as he clapped on his hat. : “Just twenty-five cents for the shave, sir,” the barber responded pleasantly, “I will not charge you anything for the plaster I put on the places where I cut you—glad to oblige.” Usually Old Clerk—What’s puzzling you? New Clerk—This new book that there is so much scandal about. I’ve sold eight copies today to eight different members of the same family, and each of them says he was buying it for another member of the family, SEX OLOGY comicbooks.com