Judge — September 20, 1919 — page 17: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

~— Drawn by Henwan Patven Digest of the World’s Humor | SALESMAN: | __ SHIP The Needful Word—“So you let him get away, eh?” said the proprietor with mingled bitterness and philosophy. “And you had him right to the point. Your sales talk was good, right up to the last minute, when you omitted the convinc- ing word. “Looks that way.” Sure does. You remind me forcibly of the case of a colored hack driver down South. One day he and his dilapidated cab and moth-eaten horse were all asleep by the curb. It was noon. Ten minutes till time for the train and the depot was a mile away. A fat traveling man of middle age came sweating along toting two heavy grips and hastening toward the depot. Sceing the cab idle, he called to the drive “*Hey, boy, can you get me to that train in ten minutes?’ «Dunno, boss, dis hyer hoss he putty tolable ole. He war in de ahmy, boss man.’ “*Was he in the war? I was in the cavalry myself. Get into that cab and I'll get that horse there in time.’ “The driver got inside and the travel- ing man mounted the driver’s seat. As he did he yelled, ‘Tenshun!’ The old horse stuck his head up for the first time in twenty years—tail ditto. ‘Charge!’ yelled the fare sharply. He charged! Away he went striking fire from the boulders. The outfit reached the station just as the train did. ‘Halt!’ yelled the fare and leaped from the seat as the horse came to a skating stop. Tossing a dollar to the astonished occupant of the cab, the traveler ran to his train. “That negro driver was the most as- tonished coon in twelve States. He had seen a miracle occur right under his nose. He muttered and chuckled and forgod- Putting Him in His Place “You know, dearest, your dinners are not quite like my ‘mother’s used to be!” “Yes, darling, your salary isn’t anything like your father's was.”—Sydney Bulletin. saked and goodlawsamassied to himself almost continuously. “Next day about the same time his- tory repeated itself in the form of a younger but equally fat and belated travel- ing man who wanted to make the train. “*Yassah! boss man, ah think ah kin make hit,’ and the man got in. “*Ten-shunn!’ yelled the driver, and the horse obeyed. “‘Chabge!’ and again the horse did so. “Dowrl to the station, across the rail- road tracks, past the train whose engine bell ringing to start. ay, nigger,’ yelled the traveling man from the cab window, ‘wynell don’t you stop? Here's the depot?’ “*Ah knows dat, boss, but ah done fo’got dat las’ word?’ “So, my boy, when you get a sale as nearly completed as you just had that one don’t forget dat las’ word! Close it!”"—Philadelphia Public Ledger. 7 The Biter Bitten—“The guest ar- rived this evening has brought a package of great value apparently,” said an inn- keeper’s wife to her husband. “I wish he would leave it.bchind.”” Thereupon the husband got busy. He prepared a certain spicy vegetable and gave it to the guest in abundance with his soup and with his meat. The next day the guest departed: but there was no trace of the baggage in his room, Thereupon the landlady began to scoff, declaring that the remedy for producing oblivion had failed. “It has succeeded,” declared the hus- band. And while his wife stood gazing blankly at him, he continued: “And the proof that it has succeeded lies in the fact that our guest forgot to pay his bill.” —Tokio Tourist. Its Identity—“I came mighty near having a fight with a guest yesterday,” said the landlord of the tavern at Pee- weecuddyhump. “He said there was a blue-bottle fly in his huckleberry pie. I said there wasn’t and asked if he thought he knowed more about running a first-class hotel than I did. He said if he didn’t he’d have his head bored for the simples. I told him what he could do, and he paid his bill and left.” “Well, was it a fly?” asked a friend. “Not by a durn sight. It was a hornet.”—Kansas City Star. More Information Wanted—“ Did the seeress give you any encouragement?” “Well, she gazed into her crystal globe and said I was going to be rich some day.” “Finel” “But I told her to polish up the crystal a bit and see if she couldn’t read the exact date.”—Birmingham Age-Herald.