Judge — November 9, 1918 — page 32: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

“‘Good-Bye, Old Pall!”’ Pa | Study the front cover sub- tof this issue. You don't have to hail from Arizona, or own a horse, to appreciate the affection’ carried out by the artist's brush in. this picture, Should you desire a copy send us twenty-five cents. cash or stamps, and we will mail to you a reproduction, in full colors, mounted on & heavy mat, 11x14, ready for framing Judge Art Print Department 225 Filth Avenue New York City OF BRAINS | Cortez AGARS “MADE AT KEY WEST— Then and Now By C. AST year | I saw him sitting Reading his paper Opposite me In the subway I stayed in Two stations after mine Until he WOULD | otice me Brytue Sierwoop This year I saw him sitting Reading his pape Opposite me | In the subway. I got out Two stations in front of mine Before he COULD Notice me! Co-operation Parke—Anyone helping you with your house work? Lane—My wife Muted Trumpets Willis—Why do these great musici their hair down over their ears? Gillis—So they can’t hear their own playing wear I suppose A Day With the All-Highest By Reiwarn PickeLuausen or Tue Rhenische Zeitung OR almost four years Germania, clad F in shining armor, had been content to leave the outer world in darkness while she battled with the barbarian foes of kultur. All this came to an end, how- ever, when my chief called me to him and said: “Reinald, a great honor is come to you. You are to be allowed to spend a day in the train of the kaiser and to send the story of this day to the neutral na- tions. Remember, they sit in darkness, my son.” When I arrived in camp I was told the emperor was addressing 300,000 men of the army, and I was hurried to a place where I might report his sacred words. It was a splendid sight. This noble army stood at attention for three hours while the all-highest fired them with his speech. Not a man fell out, not a man fainted, save one, who was immediately led out and shot as a spy. There is one great thought which all true neutrals should bear in mind: England—her own statesmen have said it—had known for years that jermany would one day claim what she But, neither prepared nor sub- England dared join mad France against us. Who, then, were the lovers of peace—Germany, that hoped for a three months’ war, or the stubborn fools who do not realize that they are beaten? After the kaiser had finished speaking we went to dinner. It was a very bad dinner that day, so that the men might see that the War Lord could eat with the poorest. How our brave fellows cheered! After dinner I observed the kaiser, who, sitting on a tank of poison gas, suddenly burst into tears. In answer to an aide’s question, he said, “Is it not terrible that the brutal English forced us to use this gas? When they and the deluded French would not admit their inferiority when faced with old weapons, what was left us but to find new? Will the world always malign us for this?” He sat in silent melancholy thus until Von Tirpitz’s name was mentioned. “But the submarine!” he cried. “Surely no man now questions the humanity of that weapon! No facing of horrible mon- desired. missive, ‘Yo.r credit is good. ship to ¥ ig you want. ‘We trust you “LYON DIAMONDS EM of GEMS BEST QUALITY perfect cut and bluewhite. Every Diamond In our stock YEARLY DIVIDEND OFFER » Diamond is ae MONE thi ket absolute pr ts made without expen mpanied by a binding guarantee covering value and quality. allexchanges. You antes you 8” BUY NOW AT LOW PRICES ‘of the pure hase price and keep It- yearly Ine ease in val Vou examine carefully — Balance--10 watt DISCOUNT OF 1: JUDGE ters—only death swift, sudden and mer- ciful.”” Here the warning for an air raid sound- ed. Instantly our kaiser was awake to Germany’s danger. Calling for substitute 49 he hurried into the dugout. Number 49, like in all respects to the emperor, seated himself in the royal car. Glick auf,” he cried, and summoned me toenter. Our motor roared in answer to a humming overhead. There was a louder roar and—I write this from a hos- pital near our front. A fiftieth man is now honored by the permission to impersonate the all-highest in places dangerous to Germany’s welfare. Convulsing the Other Fellow By Lous Potrer I is a deplorable but undeniable fact, I from the standpoint of the humorous writers, that the risibilities of no two people are equally stimulated under identical treatment. More frequently than not it happens that your own sp cial, undiluted, side-splitting, detonati brand of humor absolutely bores the other fellow. This is extremely annoying. You sidle up to a friend with an excru- ciatingly funny manuscript and ask him to read it and give his opinion on its merits. Of course what you really want from the friend is a little flattery to feed your self-esteem. Furtively you watch him (though ostensibly sharpening a pen- cil, or playing with the baby). One min- ute passes—no change in the fixed expres- sion of the face; two minutes, and still no animation; three, four, five minutes pass, and no detonating laughter has come from the reader. You feel a vague sense of uneasiness, and unconsciously it occurs to you that this fellow, who should by this time be slapping himself in wild spasms of inco- herent mirth and otherwise evidencing his uncontrollable amusement, while mop- ping copious tears of laughter out of his is not your friend. He is worse than eyes, an enemy with his simulation of friend- ship. An enemy is at least openly antag- onistic. In the end, when the manuscript is re- turned to you with some casual remark about the misspelling of a word, or the faulty construction of a sentence, you can feel the milk of human kindness turn to clabber. Your way lies yonder—out and away from this killjoy, this masquerader, this personification of impenetrability, this—well, you know how low a former friend can fall in your estimation, based on suddenly acquired and properly biased values. Excess Baggage “ Madam,” said the conductor, politely, to the colored lady, “you must remove that suites from the aisle.” “ Fo’ de lawd sake, conducto’, suitcase. Dat’s mah foot.” dat ain’t no comicbooks.com