Judge — August 24, 1918 — page 19: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

All Lit Up—An Englishman, an Irish- man, and a Scotchman were boasting about who could be the most extravagant. The Englishman, to demonstrate his extravagance, took a ten-shilling note from his pocket, applied a match to it and carelessly lit his pipe with it. The Irishman, not to be beaten, hauled out a five-pound note and did likewise. Then the Scotchman, not wishing to be left out of the contest, wrote a cheque for a thousand pounds, lit it, and applied it to his pipe.—The Passing Show (Lon- don). Her Scornful Answer He: ADS tp ATH CHK she: FS BYE 4 CAE —Tokio Trombone. Modesty—Two Lancashire women were talking of the war. First Woman—How's Tom getting on in Palestine? Second Woman—Oh, he’s doing well. Aw’ve just had a letter fro’ one of his mates, and he says Tom’s gotten dysen- tery. First’ Woman—Strange, he’s never written hissel’. Second Woman—Nay, it’s just like him —he would no mek a fuss about the honors he won!—London Tit-Bits. No Doubt About It—Kartofle—Jak ci sie zdaje, kolego, kiedy sie wojna skonczy? Maka—Jak tylko na placu boju nas zabraknie.—Novy Satirikon, Petrograd. A Careless Sergeant—British Re- cruit (to whom the drill-sergeant has made some rather personal remarks)— That there bloomin’ sergeant, 'e wants to be careful w sayin’ of, ’e does. When ’e was swearin’ at me, 'e might ’a’ bin talkin’ to the Dook o’ Portland for anythink as 'e knew!—The Passing Show (London). His Specialty—A young Irishman re- cently applied for a job as life saver at the municipal baths. As he was about six feet six inches tall and well built, the chef life saver gave him an application blank to fill out. “By the way,” said the chief life saver, “can you swim?” “No,” replied the applicant, “but I wade like blazes.""—Farmer and Breeder. Private William Vet. Officer—Did you give the mare the powder, Williams? Yass, zur, but she didn’t swallow it, zur. Vet. Officer—How's that? told you to put the powder in the glass tube and blow it down her throat. Didn’t you? Private Williams—Oh, yass, zur. But 'er blowed fust. Yokel Candor—Agricultural Parish- toner (wishing to ingratiate himself with the new curate, who had given a lecture on the previous evening)—Thank ye, sir, for your reading to us last night. New Curate—Glad you liked it, John. I was afraid lest the lecture might have been just a little too scientific. Parishioner—No, bless you sir, not a bit of it. Why, we in these parts be just like ducks. We do gobble up anything. —Birmingham Herald (England). A Diplomat “Comme tu le salue:, ce charbonnier!” “En dé, je suis le seul dle saluer, Il s'en souviendra, Phiver prochain.” “Why do you make such a point of taking off your hat to that coal dealer?” “It’s because nowadays I’m the only one of his customers who does, and next winter he'll remember.”—Le Péle-Méle (Paris). Nothink Arter the Queue—Mrs. Tompkins—Lor’, Mrs. Smithers, now there ain’t no queues (food lines) the shoppin’s a bit flat, ain’t it? Mrs. Smithers—You're right, Mrs. Tompkins; just what I says to my ole man—you walks straight inter the shop and comes out again with yer quarter pound o’ marge, and there’s nothin’ to do but to go ’ome!—London Tit-Bits. One for Each—Mrs. Howlihan—Wan divorce would be no good; Oi want two av them. Lawyer—What do you mean? Mrs. Houlihan—Moike do be livin’ a dooble loife.—Boston Transcript. | SAMMIES On the Hog—A rookie in camp, being broke, wired to his father: ‘‘Dad—Send me $10 at once, as I am on the ho; Promptly his father wired back the hog home; we're out of m Boston Transcript. Ride His Specialty—Officer—Any particu- lar branch of the service you'd like to connect with? Recruit—You'll make no mistake by putting me behind a machine gun, sir. I was chief camera man for a movie com- pany that specialized in “chase” stuff.— Buffalo Express. comicbooks.com