Judge — August 24, 1918 — page 15: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Caucut WitH THE Goons AISER BILL, you say that we are in this war to get something for ourselves, to secure territory. Caught with the goods! We are in this war to secure territory. Look at the map of the Western Hemisphere, Kaiser Bill, and we'll show you the territory we intend to secure. It is bounded on the north by the Dominion of Canada, on the south by the Gulf of Mexico, on its two coasts by the two great oceans. This territory was inhabited by a peace-loving, quiet, contented folk—pretty soft, you called them. You didn’t think that they were out to secure territory. You figured that to take things away from them would be like taking money frem the children’s bank. Didn’t you, Kaiser Bill? In your lucid intervals—if Kultur is sub- ject to such a weakness—you have another think coming! Kaiser Bill, you just ought to hear those old fellows who wore the Blue and those old fellows who wore the Gray, forget their half century argument as to why Lee didn’t win at Gettysburg, in their whole-souled rivalry to “pan” you! Why? Because you are a Kaiser? Oh, no; we title-hating Americans naturally love a Kaiser next best to the Most Potent Grand Master of the Lodge. No, Bill—not because you are a Kaiser, but because you are you! This territory which we are going to secure from you is well worth the securing. It is all we have. Itis all we want. It has the best government on earth—except just before election day, and then, thank goodness, it is so gloriously bad that any old party can have the priceless privilege of admitting that they couldn’t help but improve things. We took the title deeds of the premises from a race who in their savage days acted a bit like the Hohenzol- lerns—only the Indians mercifully tomahawked and scalped and burned—they didn’t put powdered glass in the baby’s milk or poison germs in the hospitals. Then suddenly we found that we iad to secure our premises all over again, because there was an armed maniac in the next street, shooting up civilization. The only new territory we expect to secure, Kaiser Bill, is six feet of earth for what is left of Junkertum! RFDITORDIAL Comment Grave and Gay on Things as They Pass eNO Drawn by Laxc Camppett Arter THE Battle Billy, the Mascot—This old rag doesn’t taste half as good as the things on our clothesline at home! Tue Day AFrer THE War HERE is going to be something doing the day after the war. Of course it is understood in mili- tary circles there will be numerous details to look after, the day the war is over—details like arranging for Kaiser Billy’s long vacation and so forth. But in other lines there will be a decided spurt. About five million people will start to build a house. We know these figures are correct because they have told us so. Carpentry is going to come into its own that day—if there are enough hammers to go around. And the loaves of white bread that will be baked! - Time was when people sniffed at white bread. The sniffing has been plainly inaudible of late; it is doubtful that one sniff a week is heard now at white bread any- where. But the old sniff will return the day after the war is over. Then there is going to be a pronounced activity in the inch and a half beefsteak line. The null and void steaks that we have been having will be but a memory, and the sizzling of broiling steaks will make more noise than the breaking of the Atlantic against our shores. And sugar! The man who feeds lump sugar to horses will be let out of jail and Dobbin will get something to gladden his stomach again. Tea will be tea and coffee will be coffee once more. Th cheek of the caramel lover will bulge again—that cheek which has been so emaciated of late. The cotton batting will be taken off the multitude of pet hobbies which have not the touch of rein or spur these last few weary years: Liberty bonds will go away above par. It will be too lace to en- list then, but many will feel it a lost opportunity not to have been among those present. Boats will plow the main with nothing to fear but hurricanes and typhoons. Murderous desires can then reasonably be transferred from the Hun to <he baseball umpire. The plaintive wail of the conscientious objector and the haunting howl of the pacifist will grow fainter and fainter in the soft night breeze, and the scented zephyrs from the woods will carry to our ears the iast dying whimper of the exiled war profiteer. comicbooks.com