Judge, 1918-06-29 · page 12 of 37
Judge — June 29, 1918 — page 12: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This is a satirical commentary on class and work ethic. Mason's narrator is a lazy man who spends his days reading newspapers and gossip while his industrious neighbors—Johnsing, Bulger, and others—actively garden, farm, and labor. His wife shames him for idleness, contrasting his time with "cheap cronies" discussing baseball against neighbors producing food. The satire cuts two ways: it mocks the idle man's laziness AND his neighbors' obsessive productivity. The phrase "raising morning glories, you sit here reading dippy stories" suggests both activities are ultimately frivolous—gardening for show versus reading gossip magazines. The sidebar jokes are unrelated vignettes: a brother explains algebra poorly; a man's son aspires to lead the Russian army (likely WWI-era humor); and a doctor delivers another boy despite wartime necessity. The "Kaiser Bill of Fare" title suggests German military references tied to the war context visible throughout.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
The Toilers: 6y Walt Mason Uncle Walt’s Exclusive Weekly Message to Judge HAVE a bunch of tiresome neighbors who spend their time at useful labors, and industry’s a bore; all sorts of greens they plant and nourish, and make two blades of spinach flourish, where but one grew before. My hatred for this gang is ample; they set a mighty bad example, by all their honest toil; they ought to sit and bask and chortle, but no, with energy immor- tal they spade and rake the soil. At morning, ere the sun is risen, old Johnsing starts that stunt of his’n, and plants some silly seeds; and in the calm and peaceful gloaming you see him in his garden combing around among the weeds. Oh, when the foolish cocks are crowing, old Bulger’s busy, busy, mowing his cheap bewhiskered lawn; and though with weariness he’s aching, all day he’s spading, hoeing, raking, until the light is gone. My neighbors all around are nutty; their cones are full of hay and putty, instead of useful brains; their in- dustry is most amazing, they’re al- ways sweating round and raising punk garden sass and grains. My day’s work done, I take the paper (which surely is a proper caper) and sit me down to read; and then my wrathful wife comes to me, views me with scorn and says, “Beshrew me! You are a sight, indeed! While other men are bravely toiling, to keep the household kettles boiling, and keep the wolf away, while they are Drawn by E. Wine Frours Tey Unkind BROTHER John was asked to help his sister Alice with a problem in algebra. After a great deal of explain- ing, Alice finally grasped the meaning, and John left her with these words: “Get that in your head, sis, and you'll have it all ina nutshell.” Office but no Job y son used to Presidency What does he want to be now? Willis — Commander - in - chief of the Russian army. Impossible “T want you to know,” bellowed the angry man, “that I'm not as stupid as you think Tam!” “Sure not,” replied his 5, friend. ‘You couldn’t be.” ir Drawn by Saxrorp Tousey six boy's orry, old Are Ratsinc Morxinc Groxies You Sir Here Reav- inc Dippy Stories ee here, Dr. Stork, you've brought me another boy! I already an!—war necessity, you know!” raising morning glories, you sit here reading dippy stories, and waste the precious day! The Gambles and the Smiths and Barrets are growing succotash and car- rots, enough to last the year; the Jacksons and the Browns and Bunyans, are harvesting their fine spring onions, while you sit idling here! Sometimes I make a sneak and travel as fast as I can hit the gravel, down to the village store, where certain restful guys assemble and talk until the welkins tremble, of war on Europe’s shore. And there we sit while hours go scootin’ and roast the fat and unwashed Teuton, who wades in blood and crime; we roast the kronprinz and his father, who started all the beastly pother, and have a bully time. To meet such people is a pleasure; they don’t consider work a treasure, but as a beastly grind; they have no use for beets or squashes, but hold it true that harmless joshes are better for the mind. And when I to my home go skating, my wife is at the portal waiting, she hands me words like these, ““You waste your time with Jones and Warden, while wiser men are in the garden, producing helpful peas! You fool around with your cheap cronies, and talk baseball and pugs and ponies, and other themes to match; your conduct’s vain and coarse and shady, you are enough to drive a lady clear to the booby hatch!” Kaiser Bill of Fare Crown Prince looks a string bean, and von Hindenburg looks like corn on the cob. When the Allies get through, they are going to look like succotash. No Improvements Willis—So you have in- stalled women help in place of your men. Do you think it is an improvement? Gillis— office girl noon if she could get off to at- tend her grandfather's funeral. Some Difference “There's a big difference between the old-fashioned and the new-fashioned girl.” “I've noticed it. The old- fashioned girl got insulted whena man offered hera cigar- ette; the new-fashioned girl feels slighted if he doesn’t.”