Judge — June 1, 1918 — page 17: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

UM os Ph] tex | MATRIMONY| Inopportune—“ Well,” said the fat plumber, “how does the change in time affect you?” “To tell you the truth,” the thin car- penter returned, “it nearly lost me my home.” “How was that?” “I took the wrong time to turn our clock forward.” “T don’t gettcha.” “My wife won't speak to me because I made the clock an hour faster while she was hurrying to get the dinner ready on time.”—Youngstown Telegram. Qualified—She—Every one says you had good taste when you married me. He—Maybe; if it is possible to possess at the same time good taste and poor sense.—Boston Transcript. Defined—“The man who gives in when he is wrong,” said the street orator, “is a wise man; but he who gives in when he is right is: ne “Married!” said a meek voice in the crowd.—London Tatler. Embarrassing Subject—“ Your late husband wants to speak to you from the spirit world,” said the medium. “Just a moment, before you put me in communication with him,” said Mrs. Growsper. “If he starts to ask me what I did with his iife insurance money, you cut him off short, or I won’t pay your fee.” —Birmingham Age-Herald. No Occasion for Trouble—‘ John,” she said, nudging her husband as they sat in a half-filled street car, ‘I believe that man over there is trying to flirt with me.” “Do you want me to go over and punch his head?” “Mercy, no! I wouldn’t have you do anything for the world. I just wanted you to know that there’s somebody in the world who thinks I’m worth noticing.”— Dayton News. A Digeut ot the Worldis Hinor | Rs The Wittiest Thoughts from the Prightest Minds NY A Real Treat for Them Le Géxtrat Bocur—Messieurs, je cous apporte une agréable nouvelle dont chacun de vous s¢ réjouira; en raison de cotre belle con- duite, at Chonneur de cous apprendre que je viens Petre nommé feld-maréchal! German general—Men, I have good news for you: because of your fine conduct in the battle last week I have been created a field marshal.—Le Péle-Méle (Pari). As When Awake—Hub—I dreamt last night that you were nagging me fora new spring suit. Wife—So that’s why you were growling in your sleep.—Boston Transcript. Incompatible—“They separated on account of incompatibility, I under- stand.” “Yes, he would never get angry when she was.”—Boston Transcript. The London Tobacco Shortage May the time never come when a man is forced to share his cigarette with a friend — London Opinion. aN iY l AUTOS | As He Figured It Out—‘ Now this car,” said the energetic salesman, ‘is superior in many ways to any other you can buy for the price I’m giving you. You can see for yourself that——” “There's no use talking to me about it. Go and sce my wife and daughter. If you can get them to agree, all right.” “Have they any preferences?” “T should say they had. One of them likes this car of yours, but the other has no use for it.” “But if you said the word, that would settle it.” “Not at all. I’m neutral.” “Neutral? What do you mean?” “I’m letting them do the fighting. I’ll have to pay the price when they declare peace.” —Dayton Times. Insane — Prospective employer —Why did you leave your last place? Chauffeur—The guy I worked for went crazy. Started shingling his house when his car needed new tires.—Boston Tran- script. Experiment—“I had no idea Dub- waite was a scientist.” “Why do you think so?” “He tells me he’s studying sound waves.” “Umph! He’s merely experimenting with a new automobile horn he bought the other day.”—John Bull, Avoiding Complications— Use my car just as if it were your own.” “You're the soul of generosity.” “I—er—expect you to buy your own gasoline and pay for repairs.” “Of course I'll do that. And if I should be out joy riding with a ‘chicken’ and there is an accident, do you want me to say the car is my own?” “Oh, yes. You might go a step further and say I’m not even ac- quainted with the ‘chicken.’”—Birming- ham Age-Herald.