Judge — May 18, 1918 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

It is then, too, that his song changes from the pure Caruso- esque to the painful twanging of a 79-cent ukelele out of tune. The American nation owes much to this strenuous patriot. In the realms of conquest he is a Cortez, an Alexander, but in the - realms of agriculture and other homely forms of endeavor he is a Macawber. Attached to an agri- cultural implement he sits down in the harness and weeps and at the end of the imperfect day kicks the hired man through the side of the barn, just to express Possibly “Say, pa?” “What is it?” “When deaf mutes have hot words, don’t they get their fingers burned?” Bent Over “Another scientific scare.” “Huh?” “Scientistis fear that these im- mense knitting bags may cause a race of lopsided ladies.” Those Girls Elsie—Why did Bess turn down Jack? his disgust over the rural inter- pretation of the cosmic urge. The mule at the plow is like a prima donna at a wash- board. To join the army is his ambition, for war is his trade and, if they would please the mules, they would keep this conflict going indefinitely. In the ideal thesaurus of the genus mule, there is no such word as peace. From Lexington to Bar-le-Duc the American mule has performed deeds of valor for his country. He has gone without food until he has resembled an animated hatrack. He has lugged field pieces up the side of per- pendicular cliffs and has waded in mud up to his ears to get into the first trenches and bray defiance at the enemy and his only reward up to this time has been to be made the emblem of the Democratic party. Pray, what has the eagle done to get its likeness on the silver dollar? The American mule delivers the goods. Hrtcnep to a Can: Cause and Effect “What in the world makes our children so scrappy these do you suppose?” “Eating so much war-bread, I reckon.” Doing Her Bit “Mighty few women are sincerely observing as many etless days as they should.” My wife is. She hasn’t been sweet to me for a month.” AI Supreme Evement Eloise—Too cocky. Elsie—Well, then, why did she turn down Jim? Eloise—No khaki. « He Is iw His These Fashion Plates By Stnicktaxn Gintitay saw a luscious damsel chastely half-toned in the sheet That my subway fellow-passenger was reading as he rode. I waited, all impatience, till he left it in his seat As he made a running jump to leave the car, for his abode. I knew this dainty creature of whose beauty I’d a glimpse Was a peach that all romantically some day I should meet. This only was the caption: “Startling new effect in guimpes”— Now that’s sure an awful handle for a maiden fair and sweet! Once another, dewy-dimpled, and with rare and roguish eyes, I discovered in the paper and I fell for her, ker-plunk! To my bachelordom lonely she appeared a priceless prize, And I murmured in my rapture “Single blessedness is bunk!” Then my pince-nez I adjusted and I turned her to the light So her name I might discover, that I soon should seek her out. But I read beneath that picture “Skirts again are rather tight; And I used some words my uncle used to mingle with his gout. This is cruelty to animals—the plainest, baldest kind: Printing pictures in the paper, of some jeune and juicy Jane Of the type that play most havoc in the male unmarried mind And convince him that his theories of living have been vain— Printing such and rousing hunger for the altar and the ring, Till the blood of any celibate is just about to boil, The: nically tell him, when his heart's begun to sing, She’s “The right-up-to-the-minute springtime fancy in blue voile.” Drazen by H. Pauater fost Discoverep me the chaps we danced with last night! Tilly—L wonder if they really think we are débutantes! | | | | | | |