Judge — April 27, 1918 — page 19: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

| | | | | aa aaa] L SERVANTS Conserving the Ague—To a native of a certain section of the Southwest that ll known for its malarial tendencies a St. Louis traveling man said: “T notice that there is a great deal of ague hereabout.” “Yes,” was the laconic response. “That’s a great drawback. It unfits a man entirely for work, doesn’t it?” “Generally it does,” said the other. “Still, here on my farm, when my man John has a right hard fit of the shakes we fastens the churn-dasher to him and, stranger, he brings the butter inside of fifteen minutes.” —New York Times. Boss of the Works—“Did I under- stand you to say your cook was named Wilhelmina?” “Yes. I gave her that name myself.” “In honor of Holland's queen?” “No. I merely hit upon it because it’s the feminine of Wilhelm. She's the darndest autocrat you ever saw.” —Bir- mingham Age-Herald. Had Forgotten It—Here is a “sub- stitution” story that will take a lot of beating. It concerns a farmer who was given a shopwalker as a farm laborer. The first morning he said to his new hand, “Take a horse and go to the station for a load of potatoes.” When he arrived the Station agent said, “All right; but how are you going to take them without a cart?” “Dear me,” 1 the man, “I’ve for- gotten the cart —Argonaut. Stretchin’—The wife of a certain doctor had advertised for a girl to do the housework, and was showing an applicant over the house. She had been very lib- eral in her promises of privileges, and it looked as though the two were about to come to an agreement, when the girl suddenly asked: “Do you do your own stretchin’?”” “Do we do our own what?” asked the puzzled mistress. “Stretchin’,” repeated the girl, sol- emnly, ‘Do you put all the food on the table at dinner and stretch for it, or do I have to shuffle it round?” —Clippings. Could Be Done—“Do you break these sets?” asked the shopper in the chinaware department. “No, I’m sorry to say we don’t, madam,” replied the polite salesman, “but if you keep a servant girl she will probably do it for you.”—Town Topics. As We Are Doing LD 4 <_ = SS Bonar Law (Chancellor of the Exchequer)—Buy, Buy, Buy, Buy, Buy, Buy, Buy, BUY!— National News (London). The Difference—The new maid—Inmy last place I always took things fairly easy. The cook—Ye won't do that here. They keep everything locked up.— Boston Transcript. | OLD AGE | All In—When I was young and full of prunes I loved to roam among the dunes, where crooned the azure breezes dank along the old canalski bank. I loved to stand and gaze and sigh and watch the crawfish amble by, and knock the whiskers off their bills with railroad spikes and other pills. Ah, hist! gay moonrise days of yore! It certainly does make me sore to realize that thou art past—that youthhood’s pleasures all are gassed. Alone I sit upon my step. Oh, wouldst but didst I have some pep! But no! my frame is full of rust, and soon I’ll croak —blow up and bust! No more for me the witching dump, where as a happy, care-free chump I frolicked in the bed slats, wire, tomato cans and bricks and mire! My eyes are dim, my knees are weak; spectacles hang upon my beak; my hair is loose, my teeth are gray. It's getting late—me for the hay.—Dayton News. comicbooks.com