Judge — February 23, 1918 — page 23: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Chronos—Vo mir us cha die chalbe Trullete bald ufhore! Father Time—I shall have to settle it for them, after all!—Nebelspalter (Zurich). . | WET AND DRY | Dry Town Tragedy—“ A man dropped a quart bottle of whisky on the pavement yesterday and broke it.”” “Did he swear?” “No. He spoke more to the purpose. Gazing mournfully at the rivulet of liquor running into the gutter, he mut- tered, ‘Eight dollars and a big night gone.’”—Birmingham Age-Herald. The Night Before—‘Ma,” roared Mr. Jagsby, “where in the demnition bow-wows is my hat? I can’t keep a thing about this house. It’s a shame the way things disappear without any appar- ent reason. I would just like to know where that hat is. “So would I,” replied Mrs. Jagsby, coldly. “You didn’t have it on when you came home last night.”—Birmingham Age-Herald. The Preparedist —Colonel Jagsby is one man who contrives to keep ahead of old John Barleycorn. How does he do that? He carries a pint in his hip pocket.— Birmingham Age-Herald. Didn't Want Any Other—William Jennings Bryan said in a temperance address in Louisville: Why does the world so malign Ken- tucky? I heard the other day a malig- nant story about a Kentucky colonel. ‘Colonel,’ a man asked him, ‘is there any cure for snake bite except whiskey?’ ‘Who cares,’ snorted — the colonel, ‘whether there is or not?’”—Buffalo Commercial. Play on Words—‘“You are on the water wagon?” “Yes,” “Nothing could induce you to get off?” “Nothing could, but something might, if you happen to have it.”—Birmingham Age-Herald. She Knew Him—“ Jonathan!” “Well?” “Where are you going?” “As the curtain has just gone down I think I’ll go out for a little while.” “Umph—because the curtain has taken a drop is no sign you have to go and do likewise.”—Florida Times-Union. Reassuring—“ Drunk, again, John!” “So am I, meenister; so am I.’’—Cas- sell’s Saturday Journal. srura, Inconsiderate of Him “Isn't it awful? My husband has run off our cook.” tible, and cooks are so scarce!""— Snark's Annual (London). Why—‘Why did you vote for pro- hibition?” “Well,” replied Senator Sorghum, “after trying both, I decided that a thirst isn’t bad as a headache.”—IWashington Star. A Genius—“Have you any geniuses in this town?” I don’t recall but one just now.” “Poet, painter or musician?” “No. He’s a chap who contrives to illuminated week in and week out spite the fact that this town is dry.”— Birmingham Age-Herald. Force of Habit—Page boy—Your wife wishes to speak to you on the tele- phone, sir. Bon Vivant—Goo’ Lor’! Fetch me a clove, boy—quick!—Boston Transcript. He Knew—‘The government may take over what is considered excess profit.” “What is excess profit?” “Getting more than you earn.” “There goes my salary,” wailed Con- gressman Flubdub.—Omaha News. No Compliment--“Do you think your townspeople will give you any ban- quets?”” “Not if I can head ’em off,” replied Senator Sorghum. “I don’t want to get with a crowd that sit right down in front of a reminder of the high cost of living problem.” —Washington Star. The Offense—The politician rushed past the official Cerberus into the edito- rial sanctum. “What do you mean?” he roared. “What do you mean by insulting me as you did in last night’s Clamor?”” “Just a moment,” replied the editor. “Didn’t the story appear as you gave it to us, namely, that you had resigned as city treasurer?” “Tt did. But you put it under the head ‘Public Improvements.’”—Sacra- mento Bee. Second-Class Matter—Just about the time we get ambitious to be a Con- gressman, along comes some Congress- man’s speech, marked “second-class matter.” That hurls a wrench into the machine.—Buffalo News. Alone at Last! “Ciqu'il y a de chic, ici, c'est qu'on n'est pas embité par une bande de raseurs ...comme d la Grande Jatte.” “What a relief it is to work up here where there are no bores looking over my shoulder!” —La Baionnette (Paris).