Judge — October 13, 1917 — page 12: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

WORDS OF CHEER WALT MASON hay fever plagues my shapely nose, there's The sawbones left a pint of pills, and said that they will cure my ills; I throw in six before each meal; the more I take, the worse I feel. I do not think I'll linger long in this old world of grief and wrong. A man can’t be so sick and low, and e’er get up again, I know. My neighbors come and sit beside the couch where sickness has me tied. They wear glad smiles, from ear to ear, and hand me helpful words of cheer. They sit and fan my fevered cheek, and dry the tear that springs a leak, and tell me I am doing fine, and health again will soon be mine. They say, “Just keep your courage up, and take the dope from nurse's cup, and think of cheerful, pleasant things, and you won't need a seraph’s wings. You're good for forty years or more, if you won't let your soul get sore, if you will chortle, sing and smile, and take your dose of head, Tress, I'm lying sick in bed; a lot of aches infest my rheumatism in my toes. castor ile. I am so weary of the hick who won't admit that I am sick! Oh, blitzen, how I hate to hear the everlasting words of cheer! The optimists insist my aches are merely pipedreams, myths and fakes. I'd like to have a neighbor come, with aspect sober, sad and glum, and seat himself beside my bed. and say, ‘“ Methinks you'll soon be dead. You look much like a sheeted ghost, and soon will join the phantom host. No human doctor ever cures such pain and suffering as yours. I thought that I could suffer some, when aches and punk diseases come; I’ve known some anguish in the past, but you have all the boys outclassed. I must admit you take the cake for foreign and domestic ache. I saw your doctor; he admits that you can throw more kinds of fits, the ground and lofty brands of throes, than any sufferer he knows.” Such talk as this would brace my heart to dodge the under- taker’s cart. I'd say, “I'll fool that dreary guy. who bets ten cents that I will di I'll show the sawbones and the nurse, and eke the gent who runs the hearse, that I won't yield to mumps or gout—no cheap disease can put me out.” A CAUSE OF TROUBLE EYErY newly married couple should keep a thermometer hanging around in some hot and cold spot in the bunga- low. A house thermometer is gentle and has no bad habits. It does not shed, or moult, or carry germs, or swear, or commit any of the depredations commonly attributed to other pets such as poodles, parrots, cats, or children. In fact, it makes an ideal pet. And it is useful, too. It tells Mary exactly how hot the house isn’t and backs up her contention that John should put aside his paper and his cigar, stumble down the basement stairs and throw another dollar’s worth of coal into the furnace. Then in a few minutes it substantiates her claim that he has left the draft open too wide and that the flue and the roof are in flames. There is nothing that will so effectually break up that dull monotony that too early settles down upon newly made homes as a reliable house thermometer. A good thermometer, injudiciously considered, also becomes a source of entirely useless and delightfully acrid contention. In all the history of the world no two minds have yet fc iled to disagree about the reading of a column of mercury. When all other bones of domestic contention have been picked to the limit the temperature of the living room can be relied upon to fan the embers of a vitiated quarrel into a red-hot spat. No young husband will ever die of ennui if he is only thoughtless enough to buy a thermometer for the little nest for two. —H. W. Dee. THE INCONCEIVABLE THe Kaiser writing a book about children. Nicholas Romanoff as Speaker of the Russian House of Representatives. “Billy” Sunday getting home at five A.M. The Sultan looking at a game of baseball. Von Tirpitz as captain of a life-saving station. A member of the Food Hoarde! eague wheeling a baby carriage. Benjamin De Casseres. The fat one—You know, my dear, how I suffer from French heels. But I shall be loyal to France. icbooks.com