Judge — August 25, 1917 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

ioned way. But you would want a family mighty quick if you could easily produce one by a synthetic process.” “How do you know I would?” “Because I know you are a human being in full possession of all your senses. Of course you have long since put behind you the idea of having a family, because you knew of only the natural method, that is, of growing the family. Natural families have to be grown, just as natural rubber has to be grown. That takes time. Twenty years or more. You must start when you're young. If you put it off very long, then it’s too late.” The capitalist nodded his head in solemn assent. “Besides that to raise a family is a great trial and respon- sibility from which many timid souls naturally shrink. It costs lots of money and keeps your nose to the grindstone. And then they may turn out bad in the end. You see I know what I'm talking about. I have a big family myself. Then you know there are a lot of selfish men and women with plenty of money and plenty of time who might as well raise families as not, but they neglect to do so and realize only when it’s too late that a family and especially a grown-up family is a great source of comfort and happiness. Now I propose by my formula to furnish grown-up families complete on short notice, any kind and any size family that is required. What do you think of it?” “You're on the wrong tack,” replied the capitalist thoughtfully. “You overlook the im- portant point that the best part of having a Crvmnnes family is secing it grow < up around you. When a family is grown, that Irate captain—I say, Corporal Jenkins, have you seen my baggage about anywhere? She's talking with the Colonel over there! OMAR KMAYYAM | ADVERTS, ALENT GU: -sens] JSenkins—Yes, sir. is about the end of it as a family. The members of a grown- up family are about ready to marry off and start new families of their own. As for myself, I wouldn’t pay a cent for the best grown-up family you could synthesize.” “Well, maybe you wouldn’t, but others would. Everybody is not so sensible as you. I am looking at this purely from a business standpoint.” “T will back no invention that seeks to reward selfish people for their folly. That's flat. Do you say you have perfected this formula?” “Not quite yet. I need a little more money for experimental purposes.” “Not one cent. Not a single sou. That’s final.” The inventor rose to go. ‘You may be right,” he observed. “What you have said has set me thinking. Maybe it wouldn’t be a good thing after all. When you come to think of it in its true light, grown-up families should be disintegrated, not synthesized. As a matter of fact, that’s my own problem right now. I have three marriageable daughters that I'd like to get rid of. I tell you they’re terribly expen- si Thave never been so short of cash in all my life. Would you mind letting me have a hundred or so for a short period?” “Not in the least,” replied the capitalist heartily as he reached for his check-book. “If I can do anything at all to help you get rid of your family, I should be delighted. Won't you let me make it five hundred?” PERK VigTO. [exerts Presidents have been known to be right even when they incurred the approval of Congress. 1 Dem. Bowvurs, CUTZLES EXTRA DRY. comicbooks.com