Judge, 1916-07-22 · page 9 of 28
Judge — July 22, 1916 — page 9: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page contains two distinct pieces of satirical content: **Main Story: "A Lass and a Lack"** A dialogue between Markowitz (appears to be a Jewish immigrant businessman) and his employee Henry. Markowitz rants about the moral compromises of running a business—he must flatter difficult customers, extend credit to struggling people, and prioritize profit over ethics. The satire exposes the contradiction between capitalist necessity and human decency: Markowitz dreams of a simple farm life but admits he cannot afford his principles while remaining in business. The humor lies in Henry pointing out that Markowitz himself has just contradicted his own earlier complaint about Henry's "nonsense about nature." **Secondary Content:** A poem, "The Ice-Cream Girl," describing a girl dressed in pastel ice-cream colors. A brief joke about an eye doctor's incomprehensible prescription chart. The page satirizes immigrant work culture and the moral toll of American capitalism.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
Young America—Don't try to go through there, mister; you'll never make it! “Henry!” shouted Markowitz angrily, “if you're going to commence again that nonsense about nature that you went to the country to get cured from you better go home and forget to come back! I had plenty from you—that’s enough! Get busy quick and make up for your vacation and loafing. You can’t make a living from boids. Look at me, look how I hustle! And I already got an es- tablished business with a regular line , you like business, but I don’t!” ained Henry emphatically. “Like business!” exclaimed Marko- witz bitterly, “Who likes business? Do you think I like hanging around some of my crazy customers and cut-throat buyers like I was their soivant? Sayii “How do you do’ to them like a head- waiter and ‘Good-by’ like a French- A LASS AND A LACK man? Bumming around with them when I like to be with Minnie and the chil- dren? Do you think I like such monkey business and make a night so big for them sporty buyers that it should be so long like a year and pass so quick like a minute? Do you think I like to retain stuff what I can’t use and take away the credit from an old customer what's in hard luck? Oser! It hoits me right here deep in the heart!” “Tt hoits you, why don’t you stop it?” asked Henry sympathetically. “Stop it!” repeated Markowitz, “and have my Minnie and Lester and Florence live in Pitt Street with three roo four boarders like some of my ope! So long you got to be in business you got to do them things. If you want to do everything just so and have the rights of the other feller in your mind, you got to get out. Business is a fight; it makes no difference how fair you fight, you've got to hoit somebody. “T wish there was no such thing as business, then I would be satisfied,” continued Markowitz dreamil: bap don’t care to be a Rockefeller. All 1 want for me and my little mishtocha is a little farm in the country, with a big dog and little pigeon boids all around the roof. A fat cow in the barn and a horse with a fine silk coat; a little river running by the house and simple honest people all around me. And ” “Max, what’s become from you?” demanded Henry. “Just a minute ago you said I we king nonsense and now you are talking the same: ad “Oh, did 1?” said Markowitz with a start. “I think it is nonsense to talk about it in business time. Henry, call up Herman Gordon and tell him to sue Katz and Katz from Pittsfield at oncet!” The Ice-Cream Girl PPROPRIATELY she appears In chocolate-colored shoes, A blouse of palest pistache green, A skirt of lemon hues; Strawberry pink describes the scarf Of silken fabric that She negligently ties about Her big cream-colored hat. To daily tutti-frutti feasts Her highest longings reach, Her dreams are all of frozen creams, She is herself a peach. The ice-cream girl though very sweet Can make her coldness felt, But lo! a little spooning soon Induces her to melt. Minna Irving. Oculist—Can you read that ? Patient—Sure! but durned if I kin pernounce it. comicbooks.com