Judge, 1916-06-17 · page 11 of 28
Judge — June 17, 1916 — page 11: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page contains two satirical pieces from *Judge* magazine: **Top cartoon ("At Low Tide"):** A romantic couple in a rowboat, illustrating the caption "We could drift like this forever." The satire is gentle—capturing the timeless romantic fantasy of escaping the world's demands. **"Starting 'Em Off Just Right":** A cynical commencement speech addressing graduating students. The speaker (drawn as a hardened older man) warns graduates that idealism will be crushed by harsh reality. Key satirical points: the world rewards money over principles ("Piffle goes farther than Principle"), success means enduring punishment, and failure brings mockery ("Bleacher Demons"). The final line—"I am the Keeper of my Brothers' Cash"—mocks materialism as the era's true religion. This critiques both the brutal capitalism graduates will enter and the hypocrisy of institutions (schools/professors) that preach idealism while the world operates on greed. **"One June Wedding":** A poem satirizing masculine posturing. A man imagines himself a "despot" commanding his timid bride, only to discover after marriage he's actually a "twospot"—powerless. The joke: his imagined dominance was fantasy.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
AT Low She (after an interval) —We could drift like this forever. Couldn't we, dear? Graduating e Guy with a case-hardened countenance —“ You are going out and into the old World, and you are going to Get It. Make no ake, you going to get it; not the World, nor the fullness thereof; but, well, I leave it to your bril- liant_ young imaginations to fawncy what you are going to get. “You will barter beautiful Idealism for red-hot Experience. You will sometimes sneak back to the shades of yon venerable Elms with a gnawing pain beneath your belt where the World has belted you. You will cease to dream that either you or any other individual is of the slightest impor- tance: Materialism is the Great God. Suc- cess will be measured by the amount of Starting ’Em Off Just Right By FRED LADD Punishment you can take, and give. And what you have to show fi 2 time you fail to field one thou- the Bleacher Demons will Ni’ The most intimate joy of your daily life will be when you have dodged a plethora of Bricks, and can show up at the end of the day with a strictly unimpaired Face. “Make no mistake about the value the World puts upon the profound teachings of your revered Professors, who so often have pleaded with you not to overwork:—any- thing that cops you a huge wad of Dough will be accounted by said World a cause for Plaudits and Hilarity. Otherwise, N “Pray let me caution you about mingling nd charity with your Business : do it often, and be chased off this planet. Never forget that Piffle goes farther than Principle; give the People what they want! Another Glorious Thought: The World's Watchword is GRAB. Be up, then, and Grabbing. “In conclusion, Gentlemen of the Grad- uating Clawss, let me remark that while you are here today, you will be nowhere tomorrow. And when, metaphorically speaking, you rise up, day after tomorrow morning, from a hard mattress, you will be swearing mad enough to go out and hit the trail and anybody on it with blood in your two good lamps and your heart purged of Idealism or of any desire to Benefit Human- ity unless Humanity has the Price. “Gentlemen, Go To It. And devil take the Hindmost! Treasure ever in the Still Chamber of your soul the immortal Truth, ‘Lam the Keeper of my Brothers’ Cash.’”” One June Wedding E THOUGHT himself a despot. It flattered him to hear Her say he was so masterful, so strong; He felt a born commander when she looked up, half in fear, Yet trustfully, from neath her lashes long; He wished someone to bully, so he confidently led Her altarward, a timid little thrall; He thought himself a despot until after they were wed, Then he found he was a twospot—that was all. —Lee Ship pey. comicbooks.com