Judge — May 27, 1916 — page 9: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Captain Kidd, Jr—Say. Jimmie, | b'lieve I'll be a Indian fighter instead of a pirate when I grow u would say, ‘War covers a multitude of inereases!” But tell me where you went and what you seen! “We went toa place,” answered Markowitz, “where they soive a song with the soup, but believe me, they don’t soive the soup for asong. Oh, no! By what the soup costs you should be getting Caruso himself, with every plate. And them buyers? Oi, There must be starvation in Kansas and Looziana, the way them fellers fell on the bill-of- fare. At foist they wanted to eat from top to bottom and ordered the foist thing printed. But when I told them it was an ex-police captain who owned the place, and whose name was on top of the list, they changed the minds quick and the joker from Kansas ordered a club sandwich instead.” “Only a club sandwich?” asked Henry, “that ain't so much- “Who told you only a club sandwich?” interrupted Markowitz “That was just for fun. But when they commenced to order for fair I was so noivous like if I was riding in a taxicab at the rate of a dollar a minute. Every minute the check was going up! They wasn't penny pikers; they was dollar fressers. Anything under three figures never figured with them. They tried everything. If they didn’t know what a thing was, they ordered it anyhow, so long as the price looked good; and all the time they was eating they was keeping time to the music. The feller from Shreveport was holding a bottle of tobasco, when the band commenced to play and he kept time with the bottle on his oysters. So when he commenced to eat one, he wanted to toin in a fire alarm, but changed his mind and ordered a bottle of that wine which gets excited like seltzer and costs like diamonds. I tell you, Henry, I felt like a fire alarm myself, the way he was drinking that champanier—like water. Why does it cost so much, it ain’t got no red color in it?” And you was in that place all night?” marked interest. “All night in one place?”’ mocked Markowitz. “Go on! We went after to a theayter where the stage and the chorus are poured out on the audience, and all over the orchester, it was raining goils. ‘They was so near to me just like you, now.” “Vu, was they good looking?” asked Henry. “If they would wash their faces, may be!” “ But like all other paintings they look good when they're far away. “Yes.” commented Henry. “I suppose it was like my night school teacher would say, ‘Distance lends enchantment to the chorus girl.’ But was it a good show?” “Yes,” aflirmed Markowitz. “It was full of ginger and—what do they call it—pepper. There was lots of them funny jokes. You know—with two sides to them, 1 a Jokes with two sides!" interrupted Henry. “Once in a thou- sand years, them jokes got a laugh on one side, but the rest of the time they give me a pain in both sides. They would make them two bad cities, what says in the Bible had a lot of salt in them, look like spotless towns; and got more doit in them than what General Goethals took out from the Panama Canal. But where did you go after the show?” “IT wanted to sleep so bad, like a night watchman,” said Marko- witz, “but them buyers wouldn’t let me go; so we went to a midnight Over there the footlights are on the ceiling and every inquired Henry with replied Markowitz. cabaret. dancer tries to reach them, and “Nu, nu, what happened?” anxiously asked Henry “ZT thought you are not interested in them things,” replied Markowitz, sarcastically.“ You'd better find out for yourself and get a headache like me. Oi! Oi!" Bess—Jack fairly takes my breath away sometimes! Tess—Yes, he used to kiss me that way once. comicbooks.com